Friday, 26 July 2013

I don't do poems but......

I want a cabin in the woods
And a house in the trees
I want to run around laughing
Fall down; get dirty knees
I want to feel the sun
Bringing life to my skin
I want to run on the beach
Find the ocean, jump straight in
I want to have time on my hands
To write, to sing, to just be
I want to embrace everything
Just to be happy to be me
I won’t care for fashion
Or silly little things
I will care about the world
And all the joy that brings
I will live with a light step
Care for all that I can
I just want to be happy
That is my only plan
To be as free
As free can be
To find magic and wonder
In every little thing I see

Thursday, 4 July 2013

My wish list!

I want to live in a cabin with a little tree house to escape to and an old vintage caravan as a writing room.
I want a little garden – permanently set up for a tea party.
I want a baby lamb that stays as a baby lamb to skip about to its hearts content.
I want to spend the day taking photos of the ocean and writing.
Free time would be spent making things and taking walks in the wood and at night I would walk along the beach.
I’d drink sparkling rose wine from teacups.
I’d probably have a little wind chime of shells in my hair.
I’d wake up every day thankful and feeling alive.
My walls wouldn’t have wallpaper on them – they would be covered in books.
The furniture would be rustic and the chairs would all be slightly over sized so you feel like a child again when your feet didn’t touch the floor.
I’d tie balloons filled with water and baking soda (a renewable source version of helium) and tie them to the top of the treehouse so I can pretend I am in the movie UP!
I’d walk barefoot as much as possible.
I’d have a tepee in the garden, filled with cushions, a camp fire base outside with marshmallows and sticks at the ready. A blanket would be pinned down on the floor so you could star gaze to your hearts content.
My loved ones would live very near and visit often.
The rest of the world could stay on the doorstep.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

If I had my own world....

Something pretty damn terrible happened in London yesterday.

A soldier was macheted in the street by two very deluded people. His body was dragged into the road and the attackers asked people to take pictures of them.

They are deluded scumfucks for want of a better word. It is a horrible thing that has happened.

What really saddened me was some of the awful racist comments that were floating around the internet afterwards.

This was not about skin colour, religion, ethnicity. This was not about honour.

Words can start a war, so be careful what you say and what you hear.

I wanted to write a massive piece about this but anyone with half a brain should already know all there is to say, and I think Mr Tom Delonge summed up my thoughts rather well.....

“If I had my own world I'd fill it with wealth and desire, a glorious past to admire and voices of kids out walking dogs, birds, planes, cleanest cars.
If I had my own world I'd love it for all that's inside it there'd be no more wars, death or riots there'd be no more police, packed-parking lots, guns, bombs sounding off.
If I had my own world I'd build you an empire from here to the far lands to spread love like violence.”

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

A short story about a bully

I see you. I hear you. I know you….I just don’t need you – and you don’t like that.
I can feel it. I can sense it. I know it….I just don’t care – and you can’t deal with that can you.
You are nothing more than a bully. Insecure. Selfish. Mean. Your meaness is something so ugly that nothing nice you do can make up for it.
You can fool people for so long, but you never did fool me.
One by one, slowly but surely – people start to see your true colours.
Whereas so many of us glisten like rainbows, or radiate like birds feathers, you are like a cold foggy afternoon – hanging around, unwanted….a let down.
This is your fault. You don’t have to be this way. For some reason you are threatened by ‘nice’, ‘kind’, ‘lovely’ – probably something you’ve always wished to be. Because you aren’t it – or you feel you aren’t it (more to the point) you despise anyone that is.
You dig your claws in for no reason, other than you wish you were it….but you could be, if you had just been bothered to stop and try.
Instead you slowly sour. Your colour drained. Like a beautiful snow fall that turns to dirty polluted slush.
You could change, people give second chances, whether they are deserved or not, but alas I don’t feel you will change….and that my friend, is what makes you fail.
No one is perfect but it’s what we do about things that makes us a failure or not, but doing nothing or letting the darkness creep into your very core is where you fail.
I let you get to me. Others have let you get to them. Even your closest widen their eyes at things that leave your mouth.
It’s not kindergarten anymore. It’s not a role play, it’s not a trial run – this is it – this is your life – do you really want this to be your legacy?

Thursday, 4 April 2013

I've always been afraid of the sound of my own tears

So…apparently you need to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back up again.

The thing is I’ve always been afraid to do that – afraid I will stretch the elastic that is the fabrics of my life and there won’t be the bounce left to pull me back up again.

So I’ve always stopped myself from hitting the bottom, I’ve sure flirted with it in my lifetime but I’ve never actually met it. I’ve seen people who have. Not all of them have ended with a ‘happily ever after.’ Now this would get many people saying that there is no such thing as a ‘happily ever after’ or a ‘happy ending.’ To me that is just a depressing way to think – you have to have a little magic and a little make believe in your life.

‘Every day I tell myself a little harmless lie, the whole wide world is mine.’ – Blink182


Throw into the mix the upbringing of a traditional English family and you get that stiff upper lip thing about not admitting that things are sometimes just not ok. It’s seen as a flaw, but to me it seems more of a character flaw to not admit that sometimes things are not ok. We are not super human. We learn by our mistakes, we learn and grow from the bad times, we only know our own strength by the forces that knock us down. If life was ‘just peachy’ all the time – you wouldn’t be overly happy because that feeling would become the norm’. So, in a nutshell, not being ok all of the time is a good thing.

But what about when you find it’s not just some of the time? What about when you suddenly realise you can’t remember the last time you felt ‘great’? Or the last time you woke up feeling refreshed? What about when you realise that your thoughts are darker than any cave you’ve been in, darker than any highway at night or blacker than any night sky you’ve seen?

What about when you realise that despite all that you have learnt about yourself, you just don’t know what to do with the information that you have? My doctor told me that she has never known someone counsel themselves as well as I have and that when I find out what to do with all that I have learnt I am going to be a force of nature.

I like the thought of being a force of nature.

I think I just need to have someone show me the right path to choose to get there because it feels as though my shoe laces are tied and every turn I take I just end up tripping myself up.


I am not used to this. By nature I’ve always been the girl that will say it’s all ok and only take her mask off when alone in her room. I will fake it until I feel it for real. I always wake up full of excitement for the day ahead, each day a new challenge, a fresh start, full of possibility. I am the girl that is almost annoying in her quest to find the positive in something. A fixer upper. It’s new to me to not have that bounce in my step, not to have that happy flair running through me all day. I am not used to not knowing what to do.

The scary thing is – this is not something that happened over night. I realise now that it’s been the last 4 years, things have slowly been chipping away at me until I feel so raw that everything near me hurts.

So why am I writing this? Why am I showing you all my rawness? Well, it is cathartic for one. Should I post it? Who knows. The thing is – I am so tired of pretending things are ok. So bored of everyone do that. I think it’s time we were all a bit more honest with ourselves and each other. It’s ok to be down sometimes. It’s ok to need help. I am supposed to be an adult but the truth is I still lose my way – I still have no idea what I am doing from one minute to the next. And that’s ok.

What’s not ok is that I have a fear of hitting the bottom but I have decided to let myself do that. Does that sound too controlled? Well it’s not. I feel I have no choice. For once I am free falling with no idea how to stop it. No idea how to put the brakes on. All I can do is brace myself for the inevitable impact and hope I take out as few things as possible. I want my landing to be gentle. I have my fears it won’t be. But I am hoping by being honest with myself and anyone who cares to read this that maybe I can lessen the impact of my fall. I won’t break; I will just bruise a little.

RLF - Social Phobia

So what has happened in the last 4 years or so to trigger this downward spiral?

Many good things – believe me – many good things have happened. But the bad things are the ones that have obviously tripped me up.

I’ve had two people really close to me go through really bad depressions. That’s affected me and I’ve tried to help and I want to praise them both for how well they are doing.
My Granddad recently died. I miss him. What he went through towards the end sucked. This affected me.
My Father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and his cancer is back – you better believe this has affected me.
I have been long term sick, ill for over 6 years – but I am getting there. I’ve documented before the tip of the iceberg of what I have been going through – you are right – this has affected me too –more than I realised. I am still trying to get my anaemia and energy levels sorted. I am exhausted all the time. I still have some tumours that are draining me of nutrients and cause discomfort. They mess with your hormones, so yes, like it or not these are affecting me.
A few months ago I was the victim of an assault. I am waiting for physio for torn tissues in my shoulder and neck, I am on medication for the head pains and there is the consciousness of the head injury – thankfully my hair is growing back, most don’t notice it but I do.
So yeah – there has been a lot to deal with in the last few years.
I don’t expect sympathy or anything for any of the above as it is called life, shit happens, just like things sparkle sometimes too.


So please don’t think it’s all been bad. I’ve seen a close friend get married to her perfect person, I’ve embarked on a counselling course, I’ve passed a writing course, I’ve written my first novel, I’ve won a competition for some writing that I did, I have had many wonderful moments with friends and loved ones, and I am alive, there are so many things to be grateful for. And I am.

The thing is I know that the road is getting darker – the light at the end of the tunnel is looking very dim right now and that is something I wanted to explore.


Tell me how you get yourself out of that moment? Tell me your tales of hitting the bottom and getting back up again. I am also reaching out to people to let them know we all struggle – no one is immune. I will update this as well as I am determined to get better and get to my happy old self again.

One thing that I know I have really struggled with is friends and doubting myself too much. At the height of my illness I quit a job to focus on getting better. I thought I was firmly on the road to recovery, got out all the job papers, went to an interview, got the job and thought the rest would be history.



I have a lovely group of friends that I am so grateful for – they are a wonderful mix of characters and they have really been there for me and I thank them a million times over for being them. I had another group of friends that I really thought would be friends for life. I got ill. I didn’t know what was wrong. At one point I was told by a doctor to prepare myself as they thought I had cancer. It was just before Christmas. I told one friend and kept it to myself. Thankfully it turned out not to be cancerous tumours. Phew. But I was still ill, too ill to leave the house on many occasions. I had an iron reading lower than a nurse had ever seen for someone still walking. But believe me I couldn’t do that easily. I had to rest after every 3 steps climbed. And my friends were asking me why I wasn’t going out clubbing? Why I wasn’t going to their events? I had no answer at the time other than I was exhausted, I was ill but I didn’t know what was going on. I felt that some people didn’t believe me and thought I was making excuses. I had an operation. I fucked it on the operating table but obviously came back round. I came out of hospital. My boyfriend was there for me. My family was there for me….some friends were there for me….but not all. I took it personally. I felt so let down.


I felt like I had been a really bad judge of character. I felt like I was a bad person for friends to abandon me in my neediest moment. It made me wary of my judgement of people. I found I was thinking I must be a bad person and how no one could like me. I never really admitted these feelings out loud, maybe if I had done so then many things could’ve been solved. Maybe I sound silly for saying all this but this is how it was. Sadly I’ve let it eat away at me. I am constantly worried of having nothing to say, of not being good enough, of being a bad person, even when I know I am not, I am scared of letting people get close. I’ve only just realised how bad that has become. I see pictures of my old friends out together and they look happy and I love them. But they hurt me. That’s the honest truth. And I stupidly let that get to me.


I quit the job I was in to focus on getting better. I found a job near to home, it was a lovely place and I thought I was finally getting back to being me. But the thing I didn’t take into account was that I was in an office on my own. So 5 years into this job I feel like I don’t really know my colleagues. This is new to me and it bothers me as I’ve always made friends in every job I’ve been in. I bounce off people so putting me on my own means I shut down. You miss the day to day banter and I’m quite a sensitive person (you may have noticed) so it means I used to miss out on all the invites to going out – so yeah I took it personally.

everything will be ok

I kicked myself up the bum and decided to stop being stupid and to make sure I found out about things and went, not wait to be asked but do the asking. So I went out a few times with work and had a nice time. The attack happened. It left me with serious concussion and head pain, vision problems and a huge patch of hair was missing (thank god for my mom passing on the genetics to have huge hair). Over drinks at work we were all having an innocent joke when one person turned to me and said something really low. On the outside I laughed. Inside I was stunned. What a low blow. I spoke to a few people about it and they were floored, thought it was disgusting, nasty and way below the belt and that I would be best to steer clear of such people.


But how do I tackle this social phobia that has gripped me? How do I just accept that my ‘old friends’ and I were obviously just not meant to be, that we are all destined for other things, it’s nothing personal, why do I have to take it personally? Why do I not accept my current friends’ judgements of me as being a lovely, interesting, funny person? Why do I constantly have to fill my head with negative thoughts about myself and no doubt I am projecting my fears on to people. How do I just forget this person at work and not let their behaviour bother me? Do you ever stop doubting yourself? It’s so easy when you feel so low to just hide and not go out and just appear aloof but that’s not me and I don’t want it to be the person I become. How do you stop beating yourself up? How do you move on….wards and upwards when you feel like you are cornered by your phobias at every turn? I don’t want antidepressants – a counsellor won’t tell me anything I don’t already know – I know the causes – I just don’t know how to put them right.

If I find the answers I will share them with you all – because apparently Social Phobia is the third largest mental health issue in the world today.

social phobia and the media

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

That little thing called lust/from a to b and back again

I haven’t felt that in a while.
That little flutter – that building up of something that you’re not sure whether it’s going to make you pop or fizz, either way it feels like you are going to explode into a million tiny little bubbles and just bob along on the fringes of reality.
It’s a lovely feeling.
It starts of making you feel a little sick and then folds over like a breaking wave into something lovely.
Your eyes mist over, the world becomes shrouded in a pink veil.
Life feels good.
Everything is bouncing – just like your heart.
A crescendo builds up – you are sure everyone else can hear the singing – the cymbals crashing – the harp – your heart strings – it feels so loud.
But it’s only you and your little world – no one else can tell.
Unless they look into your eyes.
Once they’ve looked into your eyes it is game over.
They’ll know.
The whole world will know.
If they just take the time to look into your eyes and notice that something has changed.
Why did you come into my life at that point and in that way?
Why has my mind and my heart been handed to you so easily.
You don’t even know it yet but you could destroy me.
Please don’t.
Let the birds sing – let the crescendo build.
Let’s see if our waves break together.
I’ll race you to the shore.

Monday, 4 February 2013

Dream a little dream.......

If this is true what sort of places have you created?
I would've created the most amazing looking place, where animals were safe and there would be an obscene amount of unicorns.

Love at first sight

Unicorn parcel from the states.
Coolest/cutest thing ever!

Staying in is the new going out

I think so many of us think this but are too scared to admit it!

Dear friend

The term friend seems to have been watered down with the birth of social media.
It's amazing how easy it is to stay in touch with people and whilst that can be lovely it also means that it is easy to keep people in your life that maybe should not be there.

It starts to be about how many 'friends' you have and you lose the fact that true friendship is an amazing thing - people should feel honored to be called someone's friend. True friendship takes effort, time, nurting, years.......

People are so busy counting friends they can lose track of the people that really matter.

Quality over quantity - always.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

Everything has its place

Nature is a wonderful, amazing almost magical thing.

It can be beautiful and it can be so terrible sad.

But no matter which side of itself it is showing you, you can always be sure that things are working as part of the circle of life.

Take a shark - love them or hate them they are totally vital to the workings of the ocean which in turn is vital for our oxygen and general life on earth.  Everything fits - it all works together.......or did.
Humans came along and for some reason decided they didn't belong in that circle but somehow still expect that circle to work.

Humans can do the most wonderful, intelligent and smart things but then sometimes they can be so down right dumb!

I know people eat animals and that is your choice....I am not going to preach about that one today but in the modern world there is no need for fur for fashion - especially when it is taking the life of something - we have central heating - we are not living out on the bare plains of America.  And for an animal to lose a life for a handbag or for jewellery is disgusting.  Cowshide leather is used in many things - but at least the rest of the cow is used.  I have been heart broken at the pictures of some amazing elephants with the front of their faces cut off purely for someone to have some grotesque trinket made out of their tusks.

There is no need.">
>Breaks my heart.
Don't play a part in it - please.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

Dance to your own tune

LABELS. Why do we insist on imposing them on others?

Hello ‘Brave New World’ – doesn’t anyone who reads that recoil at the thought of loss of identity. Facelessness. Being EXACTLY like everyone else.

Challenge would be gone. And challenge is good. It keeps you learning, loving, thinking, breathing, being, moving. We do not grow roots from our feet, we are not meant to stagnate. Stay in the same spot for too long and you will begin to rot. To slowly die. But life is for living. The fact we are all made different shows those differences should be embraced, not squished down.
Some get distorted. Their views and opinions become confused. It is ‘us’, ‘our’ job to redirect and help, not to point a finger or turn a blind eye. Help someone find their footing again. Don’t try to trip them up. They’ll tread more lightly. Leave them be and how many poor souls will they trample as they try to follow the wrong path.

Life will happen. With or without your input. So work with it, not against it. Listen to those messages in the breeze. Be in tune with yourself. When your gut restracts, recoils and feels odd, it is resonating at the wrong frequency, don’t be guilty of putting your fingers in your ears and trying to sing a different tune.

We all have a different life song. Don’t alter the tempo or rhythm. Sing it loud. Sing it proud. Harmonise with life. Changing the tune if it gets a little tough is not how an orchestra works.
See people as your fellow musicians. Sing your life song and you will create a masterpiece together. Play it wrong and everything will slowly fall out of sync.


If you spend so much time labelling…..ugly, pretty, bland, beautiful….you are judging. You are not open. You are not learning. You are missing the chance to see the inner being. The inner beauty. The true beauty. Heartfelt, deep, meaningful. The bit that really matters.
Crooked teeth, Wonky eyes. Frizzy hair. That does not make a person bad. What goes on internally is what you should be looking for and what you should be listening to.
If you put all your energies into being the thinnest, you focus on the external. You will miss life’s little gems. You will age, your immune system will falter, your thinking will shift and fall, you’ll end up on the wrong road. Work with what you have, make the best of you, don’t try to create someone that isn’t you. You were made a certain way for a reason – work with it – not against it. Don’t do yourself the disservice.
If you focus on being the most popular with the most friends you will confuse the true beauty of friendship. You will water down the value of ‘true’ friendship. The fact there is a term ‘true friend’ says enough. If you are willing to listen.
Do you think having 800 facebook friends makes you long term happy? Do you think it stops you ever feeling lonely?
All it does is add pressure. You’ve got to keep on keeping up appearances, singing off key. But appearances are only skin deep!
Judge a book by its cover and you could miss out on the greatest story every told.


Beauty comes from within. The truly beautiful value the right things, they put effort into the things most worthy. They make the better friends. They listen. They learn. They sing in harmony.
Look at nature…left alone it sings in harmony. It works together. Creates the wonders of the world. Makes the imprint of our past and shows a snapshot of our future.

A throwaway facebook status update or an amazing symphony.


The beauty is, the decision is yours.

You always have the final say in your destiny. Just be mindful of where you put your feet.

"We can learn to get by if we learn to have scars
If we learn to forgive and accept who we are"

"Lose your temper and you lose a friend; lie and you lose yourself."
~Hopi ~

"All birds, even those of the same species, are not alike, and it is the same with animals and with human beings. The reason WakanTanka does not make two birds, or animals, or human beings exactly alike is because each is placed here by WakanTanka to be an independent individuality and to rely upon itself."
~Shooter Teton Sioux~

Wednesday, 9 January 2013


Many, many moons ago 3 young lads from Newcastle, Australia decided to start a band….this is nothing unusual I know, but these 3 young men in question quickly became known around the whole world. They were Silverchair.


Since Silverchair has put a pause on their long and successful career the spotlight has fallen on their drummer…….quite possibly up for competing with Dave Grohl for the title of nicest man in rock. Ben Gillies has always been known as a drummer, but now he steps out of the shadow of his drumkit to take on lead man duties for his new band Bento.


Was it nerve wracking stepping out from behind the drum kit after all these years?
Yes! Definitely.

Have you always wanted to front your own band?
I've always wanted an outlet for my music. Being a frontman is by default.

Please tell us a little about Bento, for those that don’t know, who is in the band, how did you form and what can we expect from you in the next 12 months?
BENTO is my new creative baby. My musical outlet. My own project outside of Silverchair. It's just me for now, but the long term plan is to have full time 100% members of the band.

Does it feel liberating or scary to be putting out your first material as Bento after being in the same band for so long?
It's liberating to finally get all of these ideas off my chest! and have somewhere to keep doing so in the future. Although it is scary bearing your soul for all to see and opening up yourself for criticism.

How do you keep ‘normal’ when fame was put upon you at such a young age?
I think it's a combination of friends, upbringing and the city I grew up in.

Did you ever dream of being famous or was the sole purpose of Innocent Criminals to just jam in the garage?
I've always done music because it excites the shot outta me! I love it so much. Fame is just the bi-product.


Is there anything you feel you missed out on by being famous as a teen or do you feel it only enhanced your life?
No. Somehow we managed to have a really good balance between band commitments and doing "normal" stuff at home.

The experiences you have had must be out of this world, if your own child wanted to be in a band would you encourage it or discourage it?

Do you play any other instruments?
Bits & bobs. Keys, guitar, bass... put anything in front of me and I'll have a crack

For any up and coming band out there trying to make it – what is the best advice you could give to them?
Play gigs, practice... then rehearse some more, play gigs…..

What are your top bands?
Led Zeppelin, James Brown, Beatles, Hendrix.... ++

Describe your writing process and what inspires you to write?
I don't have a formula. No rules. I just make sure I document ANY ideas. I'm constantly inspired... what’s going on in my life, anything on my mind, other peoples experiences, what’s going on in the world... Anything I connect with.


Do you prefer Touring or recording?
I love the studio! especially when I'm in the driving seat. Too much fun! Touring is great though... hangin' out with friends playing gigs... how could anything go wrong ;)

Junk food or healthy home cooked dinners?
Home cooked dinners with occasional cheat meals. Put pizza or fries in front of me... I'm fucked.

Are you an early worm or Night owl?
Fluctuates depending on work. I simply adapt.

If you could be a superhero who would you be?
Wolverine. I can fucking heal myself. Brilliant!

Marmite, love it or hate it or is it all about the vegemite?
Vegemite. Marm….what?

What’s the most played song on your itunes?
Once in a Lifetime - Talking Heads

What song do you wish you had written?
Kashmir - Led Zeppelin

What do you hope for the future of Bento?
Great Music! Build a loyal world-wide fan base. Albums till I die. Tours till I die (or get to old ha ha)

And lastly I wish you the best of luck with Bento and will you be touring the UK? Thank you :) No tour plans for anywhere just yet... working on it. Cheers.

Find out more and keep up to date at
Diamond Days is out now!



My best friend just said this to me:

“I’d be quite happy to have a mortgage/bill free life then we could meet up whenever we wanted and eat all the cup cakes in the world!!”

I think she just found my perfect world!