Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Do you ever get a crisis of confidence?

All around you are perfected airbrushed images.
Then you see those people in real life and it can be like seeing a totally different person.
Being in the world of fame must be hard due to that very fact.
You must constantly feel like you are not yourself!
Marilyn Monroe used to cry a lot, from what I hear, about the fact that everyone loved Marilyn but no one cared about her, plain old Norma Jean.
It makes you wonder if anyone truely feels confident and content with their lot.
It was said years ago that I would never be happy - it wasn't meant negatively - it was meant that I am always striving for more.  It's true - I think you have to keep yourself on your toes to keep yourself learning and growing as a human being, otherwise you just stagnate and that's not good for the soul, or for those around you.
Some days I sit and smile to myself, happy with all that I have.  Yet with just a flick of a switch I am verging on tears, feeling like a failure, that has next to nothing in my life.
Why is this?
Hormones?
Comparing myself to others?
Maybe that is one of the biggest flaws we all have.  Comparing ourselves to others?  For at the end of the day - we don't really know everything about anyone else - we only know what they let us know and a little of things we find out.  Many people don't even take the time to get to know themselve properly, so it's no wonder there are all these crises of identies going on.
Today I might feel really blessed with all the friends I have, but tomorrow I might sit in a panic and start counting friends and feel like the biggest loser in town.
I am guessing reality lies somewhere in the middle.
If I just stopped sub-consciously comparing myself to others maybe I'd be OK.
I mean I do alright, I have a nice job, I have a small group of amazing people around me, I am studying a course, I am writing my second book, I am trying to learn to play piano, I enjoy photography, I know how to chill out and switch off, I enjoy and appreciate the outside world....so all in all I am probably not doing so bad.
Maybe I am seeking reassurance here or maybe I am trying to let you all know that you are probably ok too.

It takes just one moment to reach out but the effect could last a life time



There’s a faraway tear in her eye.  Reflected in it are the times she wishes she could lose.  The times she doesn’t want but they stick around.  Stuck in her head.  They weep out of the cuts in her arms, they flood toward the floor, they pool with the tears, yet they still don’t go.  They won’t drain away.
She’s been crying for an hour.  It’s gone from full on racking sobs to slow silent streams, cascading down her pretty face.  The face she hates to look at.  The face that makes her jump back from her reflection.
Sometimes she looks into the mirror, really looks, she leans forward so her breath starts to steam up the mirror, her nose touches the coldness of the glass, making her gasp slightly.
She stares, deeper into the mirror – something in the back of her mind takes her back to her childhood story books – she reaches out to the glass but only hears and feels her fingernails tap against it.  There is no looking glass, no face to tell her she looks great, nothing in the mirror, nothing on the other side but a wall.
She sighed, it echoed around the bathroom.  It whispered back towards her, cold and breathy.
She shivered and looked about.  No one was there.  Nothing was around.  Just herself, her shadow and her destructive thoughts.
She pulled the brush through her hair, roughly, hurting herself, she gritted her teeth to the pain – trying to let all her emotions fall into that pain, to find some form of release.
It didn’t work.
She pulled her hair up, twisting it into a top knot, securing it with some pins.
She took out her hair smoothing cream and warmed it in her hands, smoothing it over the little baby hairs on her head, keeping her hairstyle very neat and prim.
She put her hands on the basin, her arms were rigid, looking down the plughole staring at the water bubbling just out of reach.  She sighed again.
‘Get a grip!’ she seethed to herself.
She looked up and beamed at her reflection.  The perfect fake smile.  She looked at each individual feature as she carefully applied her make up, making sure she never looked at her face as a hole.  She focused on her lips as she drew in her lip line.  She focused on each eye at a time as she carefully drew on her eyeliner and brushed on three coats of mascara.
She pulled on her perfectly pressed skirt.  She looked up catching herself off guard.
She slumped back against the wall, sinking to the floor.  The tears came again.
She let them flow.  She looked around her helplessly.  She caught the glint of metal glistening on top of the toilet basin, she stared at it, it appeared to glow.  As though she had no control over her arm, she watched it reach out, stretching towards the metal.  As her finger tips made contact she felt her adrenalin soar.  She reached out delicately with her fingers, stretching to make contact. She felt her fingers wrap around the razor blade.  She held it up in front of her face, she took a deep, excited breath and drew it across her arm.
At first she felt nothing, just a cold steel feel go through her.  Then the wetness as the blood began to bubble and break through the surface of the skin.  Her head went back against the wall and her eyes fluttered closed, just like a junkie getting their morning fix.
The pain helped her forget, helped her feel alive, dragged her out of her despair.
Minutes later she was plunged back deeper than ever.  She looked at her arms with disgust.  They were all scarred and marked, old scars, new scars, fresh wounds.  They disgusted her.  She didn’t want to be like this.  She wanted to feel normal.  To be happy.  To be able to ride the ups and downs of life and learn from them. Not hide here on the bathroom floor.
She quickly got up and ran the cold water tap over her arm.  She sat down letting the blood stop and the body start to take control in helping her heal.  She patted down her hair and continued to get dressed.
Twenty minutes later she marched into her office.  Once again the cool, calm business woman that looked so composed, that seemed to have everything under her control, who could handle anything, little miss unflappable.
If only they knew, if only her work colleagues knew the truth.
She wished they did.  She wished she had someone close to her that she could talk to, who she could share her fears and weaknesses with.  Someone that would hold her when she began to shake and cry.  Someone that would kick her when she needed to buck up, but would hold her hand when she needed that extra bit of strength.  She wanted to scream out the truth to them all but her voice always caught in her throat.  She didn’t want to act anymore.  She wanted to get better.  She wanted to feel alive again, to feel all the ups and downs, to be human again.
She felt her legs start to quiver and quickly headed to her desk.  She sat down heavily in her chair and turned on her computer, tapping out replies to emails on auto drive.
Then she stopped.
A piece of paper on her desk caught her eye.  On it was written a phone number.  A helpline.  Underneath it was the name of her colleague and her phone number.  Another helpline, but of a more human kind.  ‘Don’t suffer alone. Dinner at mine tonight, we’ll talk.x’
So someone had noticed after all.
More than that, they had done something about it, they had reached out.
She felt the relief cruise through her veins, her adrenaline pumping in fear, in happiness, for she was no longer alone, someone had taken the time and that was all it took, just a little time, a little energy, the kindness of humans.  The importance of reaching out.  To see beyond one’s nose.  To care.  To just take a moment to look around.
She picked up the phone and dialled the number on the paper.  Life was finally going to begin again.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

I have a favour to ask of you lovely people please and thank you

Dear Friends - I have a favor to ask pretty please. There is a new app out for ipods/ipads and it is free and no this is not a spam. Basically if you all go and download this FREE app I get to win a prize, my good friend Jess gets to shine and sparkle in her new job AND the app is really good and it's from a UK company which is always worth supporting. If you want to find out more about this app check out the review here http://www.technicallyfunny.net/2012/05/iamkonki-ios-app-review.html Thanks people!!! xx

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

The circle of life

So my question of the day is this….

Why do we think that we are better than animals?

I watched a show on TV this week, it almost doesn’t matter what the title was – it was the principle and the reactions that got to me.
In case you are interested the show was about the top ten scariest attacks of animals against humans.
Right now I will point out that not one attack was pre meditated.
One attack was when two divers had gone into a cage to watch sharks.  I’ve never understood the massive gap at the top part of those cages and this incident proves my point!
The humans dropped a big tuna head into the water as bait, the shark took it, swimming with such force I guess the bait was too close to the cage and the shark went forward and hit the cage, due to the gap at the top of the cage the shark got stuck, freaked out and twisted about – the strength of the shark meant the front of the cage got ripped off.  This of course made the divers, quite frankly, shit themselves.
What did the shark do wrong?
Nothing!

Next you have a polar bear attack.  The initial image was of a woman practically horizontal being held up off the ground by a polar bear who had the top of her leg in its mouth.
Turns out the lady had ignored the signs and climbed over not one but two sets of barriers ‘to get a better shot, to get a close up.’
I guess she got her close up!
There was another where some tourists were looking at some baboons out in the wild ie in the baboons habitat.  They had their car windows open and were eating food with lots of food on display in the car.  They appeared to be very shocked when the baboons moved in and climbed into the car, stole their food and left a giant poo on their car seat.
You can probably see how things are going here.

There was one that really saddened me.
A circus elephant.
Why oh why oh why oh why are animals still in circuses?
There’s been A LOT of footage over the last few years showing elephants being very badly treated.
Not just elephants but most ‘performing’ animals in circuses.
Maybe not all are bad but it’s not a favourable thing anymore at all, not now we know better.
Anyway – the Elephant was being made to perform, over and over again.
Whole families were being allowed to take a ride ontop of one elephant.
Over and over again.
The Elephant rightly got peed off.
People were cheering and shouting – it was being worked hard – flashbulbs were going off, he had this wriggly things on its back that didn’t belong there and it ran at the barriers in fright/frustration.
The people were rescued.
The Elephant was killed.
For what?
Because people were bloody stupid and arrogant.

I have to admit I am the sort of person who will be totally on the bulls side when it gores someone in the street runs in Spain or in the bull fighting ring.
No animal should lose a life for ‘sport.’
And don’t even get me started on the rich people’s shooting safari’s.
There is no skill to this.
There is no survival need for this.
It’s murder.  It’s blood ‘sport’.
It’s down right disgusting that a civilised race takes part in such things.

And yeah you’ve got it – I am against fox hunting too.
If culls are really needed then there sure as hell has to be a better way than making an animal run for its life just to get ripped apart by a pack of dogs.

Seriously when will people learn that all things on earth have their place here – they all belong.
We are all part of the circle of life – the circle of the world.
Things have gone wrong since humans tried to remove themselves from this circle.
There is room and space for us all.
But when many don’t even treat their fellow man with respect I don’t know why I am so shocked by such stories!!!

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Learn from mistakes but don't regret them!


Sometimes, you know – once in a while – just like maybe ever day – you should stop and reflect.
It’s easy to become someone you don’t want to be.
Someone that you shouldn’t really be.
It’s easy to lose focus.
It’s easy to have never focused.
It’s easier to just keep your focus slightly diverted.


You’ll know the one’s that do this because they will be VERY quick to point out your flaws.
They will be quick to pick you up and correct you – you know, for your own good.
But the truth is, shhhh, step a bit closer, you don’t want them to know that you know their secret……
Really – now this is gonna shock you but really it’s because they are flawed.  Like beyond the little dinks we all get in life – they come with huge chunks taken out of them and they don’t want you to see so they will keep on telling you how wrong you are but in a way that will make you thank them, you will feel that they are looking out for you but really they are just looking to make sure that when you trip they will see and be able to make sure they jump over you, wipe their feet on you and move on.
Now you will have fallen, you will be too busy picking yourself up and dusting yourself down.  You will turn to talk to your trusted friend and will be floored again by the fact that they are not only not there, but they are running off in to the sunset.



You will sit back on your heels – dejected, head in hands you will go through all the things they said you were in that nice kind way of theirs.  You will think oh my god look they are right – I MUST be all of those things because I am here on the floor and they are there in the sunset, moving forwards.
And this my friends is where you thought wrong.
You are taking the time to collect your  thoughts, to pick yourself up and to dust yourself down, dusting off their veil of possession and freeing yourself.
Think of those cobwebs floating in the breeze, you can see them but suddenly they are all over you – you are trapped – you panic but then you find a way to brush yourself free and it feels great.
The person in the sunset now has another chink in their armour and are now becoming more moth eaten by the day.  They still think it is your fault and have run, run so hard, so fast, they can’t stop running – when they do they hear something calling them – it’s not a voice telling them to run, it is their conscience but they panic and they run, they can’t be dragged down by you oh no no.
But you see it’s not you dragging them down – it is your strength that has been keeping them afloat, it is you that has been zapped, which is why you fall when you are finally cut free.  That led weight has gone and for a brief second it makes you go limp.
You check yourself over, you note the new scars.  You think about what has happened.  You look at your mistakes, you look at theirs, you learn your lessons.
You stand up.
Suddenly you feel ten feet tall.
You hadn’t realised that for so long you had been cowering.
Walking around stooped.
Half the person you used to be.


And there you were thinking you had lost your other half.
But you see – we need to be grounded.
Not tied down but grounded.
It gives us a reality check.
Keeps things in perspective and gives us focus.
Without it we are free to float around causing destruction and floating away.
It makes us damaged if we keep doing that.
Eventually the damage will outshine the initial product and that is when you get left on the shelf.
For the person that picks themselves up, dusts themselves down and begins on their path again it is like shedding a skin.
They dust off that old wrinkly lack lustre skin and take on a new shiny slightly changed one and go off, sparkling into the world.
Remember that the next time someone shits on you and makes you feel that it is was your fault when you know really you were just human and didn’t do anything overtly wrong.
Be wary of the person quick to point the finger.
Be wary of the person that doesn’t reflect.
History repeats when lessons aren’t learnt.
Look around you.  Genocide everywhere still because ‘man’ just isn’t learning.
Some people are flawed some are just floored (temporarily).
But you can change the course of history for the better – your own personal history – by just stopping for a second – reflecting – embracing it all – learning and moving onwards and upwards towards the next bright shiny star.