Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Big girls don't cry......

So shall I be the first one to be brave enough to admit this is so far from the truth.
There are websites all over the place to help teens with their confidence and feeling like they don't belong or that they are ugly.....but how many things are out there for the big girl that feels that way?
You know that girl that is supposed to be a grown up but will feel like they are faking it in that world and one day soon they will be caught out for all the world to see.
It's surely not just me is it?
I hold my hands up to having a Peter Pan complex and I am not embarrassed by that and will never apologise for that but there is this misconception that because I am not a teenager anymore I should have my shit together...haha best joke I've heard in years.
In fact...I think I've regressed.
As a child and a teen I would get up on stage just me and my musical instrument and play a duet with another flautist. I would then play a piece with a pianist. I would then play a piece on my own. I would happily stand there in front of 500 people. No problem.
Could I do it now?
Hell no.
I hit 20 and my confidence came to me in bucket loads.
A lot may've been alcohol fueled to start with but it was there.
I think I must've thrown it away in one of the vodka bottles I thought was empty.
Where is it now?



Well - I got told that I am not shy, that it's something else.
I agree - it's called self esteem. I hear it's quite an essential thing to have.
One big part of me is very flippant and couldn't care less what the world thinks - I am what I am and I am a good person so I am not going to apologise for my flaws - you just have to realise I am human.
I know myself very well which in turn does also mean I am painfully aware of my flaws.
But you aren't meant to talk about this as an adult are you?
Something is meant to happen isn't it where you suddenly get up one day and you know what you want from life and even bigger, you know how to get it. You are suddenly meant to find the career path of your choosing and full on excel at it - buy a car, a house, a yacht, ok maybe not the yacht but you get the picture. I am suddenly meant to know about Art and only buy designer labels - they are investment pieces now not just a fun little dress.
I am meant to know the hair colour and style that suits me and not have all that experimental make up lying around - I know my brands and shades.
I should have a gym membership....and one I actually use.
I should know how to cook and never ever have a disaster in the kitchen (hey the flapjacks were still edible just more like snap cracks or something).
I have matching shoes and handbags.
I don't blow bubbles with my hubba bubba anymore and as for those plastic barrettes they are surely long gone.
I can hold a conversation with anyone about any topic under the sun and I can schmooze til the cows come home - I never have a moment of conversational doubt and of course I don't panic when having to enter a crowded room on my own. Of course I can wait in a pub on my own for my friends to arrive without worrying that I look like a billy no mates.
Of course I can recite poetry to you and have travelled the world.
Of course I don't look in the mirror and want to pull my hair out and scream 'why???'
I never fall asleep with my make up on (ok, that one is actually true).
I don't watch cartoons and only arthouse movies.
I walk everywhere - I don't skip and hop my way through life.
I haven't touched glitter for years.
I have never thought about wearing an alice band recently.
And I positively don't own a care bears tshirt - or have a book shelf dedicated to Tim Burton toys.

See, I am a totally useless adult but apparently we are not meant to talk about that!!!!

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