Saturday, 3 December 2011

Who even cares?

Where did it go wrong?  Is it wrong? Is it even a problem? Is anyone else here aware of how I think/feel?

I have been in this job for just over 3 years.

Yet I still feel like I don't really know any of the people I work with.
Every job I’ve ever had I’ve made friends with everyone as in been able to get on with everyone, have chats, go out for a few beers, put the world to rights and a few have stayed friends from every place I’ve worked.

Except here.

Here I don’t feel like I know anyone.

Sure you see people and you can natter, I've been down the pub with some of them and out for lunch with others and it's been really nice.

But something isn't quite clicking....or so it feels to me.
See, I am not in an office with any of the other workers here, and I have to greet the actors and actresses as they come into work so cannot leave my post. So I can’t wonder around the building to gossip or catch up with anyone.

I don’t hear the weekend gossip.

My breaks are not at set times and quite often end up being after or before the rest of the building. Some people I might see for 10 minutes a week. Some fleeting here and there during the day.

If peopel arrange to go out after work I quite often don't hear about it until the last moment and due to how busy I am these days with all the writing and my counselling course I need a bit of notice with things.  Sadly the spontenaity has to go to a degree as I have to be so organised with my time.  I wonder if it's ever been taken the wrong way?
Does it make me come across like I am being aloof?

Thing is you only have to scratch the surface to know that I am not that way.
To all my friends I appear to be confident, funny and chatty….almost too chatty.
To myself I would say I am crap.
I wonder what the people at work think?

When I see them we seem to get on….they appear to be nice people.

So why is it so different in this work place to any others I have been in?

Of course I point the finger at me and say everything in the whole world that is wrong it’s my fault, that’s the sort of person I am inside. I think everything is my fault. But I’ve never been like this in any other company at all.

Ponder Ponder……

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