Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Knit one, purl one, stitch one, drop one..............

First thing ever made using a machine all by my lonesome - just a moment before I made it I didn't even know how to thread my machine so before you think I am a total under achiever I actually think I did quite well.

I also wanted to start to make crochet jewellery but seeing as I am very new to crochet and have a dicky thumb I am taking it slowly but first attempt:

First attempt at a crochet flower, attached to a knitted headband I made.

Two crochet necklaces, needs a bit more work but getting there.

Next two skirts - getting there - still not quite there but this means I've only made 3 things on my machine so far - so I have high hopes for the future, now I just need to learn how to use a pattern, how to insert a zip - oh the list in endless but this is like me sticking my toe into the waters of making things.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Everyone needs to know a little about Kathleen.....

Just another reason why I love this lady! I've met her a bunch of times and danced....talked about music.....talked about cute girl hair....and been offered to crash on her sofa....she's as cool in person!!!

Make your own piece of magic!

But it sucks for all of us sometimes too! No matter what you have in life you will always want something more or something different.

Some things are always going to go wrong, fade away or fail but there are things you can do to make that journey a little less bumpy.  A little less traumatic for everyone involved.

It's easy to think that everyone else has things better.

Or that the grass is always greener.  Isn't that the most famous saying of all.

Thing is once you get on that greener grass - you look back at where you were and quite often that's the patch that suddenly looks greener.  Maybe it's just your shadow but what I do know is that your shadow never leaves you, it's always there, peering over your shoulder.  And by shadow - I mean your problems ok!

You can run until you can run no more but what do you know - your problems are still there.

The answers take time and a lot of soul searching - no one has found those answers at the bottom of a whiskey bottle or within the creases of a wrap of speed.  No one has found the solution by flexing their credit card, by cutting into their arm or by eating that whole pie.

No one else is to blame either.

You get what you are given in your life and it's up to you not to get bitter about that - it's up to you to make the most of what you have.

We learn things pretty quickly when we're younger.  Because we are young, not stupid! A small child may barely be able to speak but they will be soaking up their environment - they will be hearing the things that are said to them - they will be seeing what goes on.....and they will remember.  Believe me they will remember.

The biggest message I have is that life is tough, relationships are tough, friendships are tough, children are tough.  Just getting from your bed and through the day so you can make it back to bed in one piece is tough.  But all those things can be immensely rewarding too.
Do you really think if you had a bit more money all your problems would go away?
Do you really think that if you were 10 lbs lighter that all your problems would go away?
Do you really think that if you were in a relationship that all your problems would go away?

We learn a lot from our parents, not all of it is good - but as we become adults ourselves we have the right and the responsibility to take those things we've learnt and to use them as best we can.  There will be some things we learnt, or maybe a lot of what we learnt is damaging, hurtful and most unfortunate.  But as an adult we have the capabilities to realise this and do something about it, not to walk around this world damaged, blaming everyone else or taking it out on everyone else.  The worse thing, but probably the easiest, is to repeat those patterns and make the circle keep on spinning, that wheel of destruction.

It's hard to sit back and connect the dots but with a little time and care you can.  You can work out why you are insecure, why you are jealous, why you feel ugly, why you feel like a failure, why you can't make relationships work, why you sabbotage your own happiness.  It might not be the most comfortable lessons you learn but they will be the most fruitful.

A lot of us will grow up in unhappy homes.  We will see our parents fight, we will see them shout at each other, lie to each other, maybe even cheat on each other, we might even see them physically hurt each other.  As a child this is all we know.  We might think this is the norm' and that's it's ok.  Or we might find ourselves hiding on the stairs listening to yet another row, wondering if it's our fault.  This is where the responsible adult comes in, don't make your child's first impression of a loving relationship be anything but a loving relationship.  Don't send them out into the world thinking that love is a bad thing that hurts people, or that people just hurt you and leave you in the end anyway.  Don't let them doubt their existance, don't let them think they are ruined.  Let them know they can be anything.  Let them know that their parents love them no matter what.  Let them see what a loving relationship in this world really is.  Give them these good and vital tools so they can go out there and build their own family that will grow into a lovely family, producing fine human beings.  That is the biggest thing you can ever do for your child.

If you happen to be one of those children that comes from a damaged environment, remember that it doesn't have to be that way - look around  you and see that it's not the norm' after all that there are bigger and better things and go after them - don't just accept your fate as the same as your parents. You are you and they are they.  Remember none of us gets a manual.  Most of us try our best.  Just sometimes are best isn't good enough all the time.

If you want something then shoot for the stars.  Be positive.  Why don't you deserve it?

If you feel ugly and fat and horrible, then try to change the way you think.  Focus on other things.  Find something you are really good at or happy about and focus on that as much as you can.  Walk around with a smile on your face.  You would be amazed how far a little smile and some positive thinking gets you.

You don't have to earn loads of money to be happy.  You end up getting trapped by material, unimportant possessions if you aren't careful.

Don't judge someone by how they look - you are born with a face that you can do little to change. It might not be considered by this judgemental, airbrushed world but you can make your inner beauty shine - and that shines far greater.

Don't think it's easy.  You have to fight for what you beleive in and for what you want.  You can't just roll over or think oh but I smiled yesterday but today I still feel fat.

Also realise I am a hypercrite as I have many days where I really struggle.  Nothing in my life is perfect, but every day I can say hand on heart I've honestly tried.  Some days it's not good enough but some days it is.

So go out into the world and embrace who you are.  Put a big smile on your face and treat everyone with respect.  Treat others how you wish to be treated.  If we all did that this world would be a lovely place.

I guess I was full of teenage angst

Songs from my youth.  It's no wonder my parents kept asking me if things were ok!

Cut myself on angel hair and babies breath

I still play my Nirvana CDs a lot and I really wish that Kurt was still around making music today as some of the stuff he was recording just before he died really did hint at the greatness that I hoped was to come, which obviously very sadly never did.

I also wish Courtney had released Live Through This with Kurt's harmonies on it.  I've heard a massive chunk of the album with those harmonies on but not much of it seems to remain today but I've included one video.

Courtney chose not to use Kurt's harmonies because she thought she'd spend the rest of her life with people thinking that her husband provided the talent behind her music.  As it turned out she got a little too high and has forever been having to defend herself against this allogation ever since.  Her last CD had critical acclaim.  I have to confess I never bought it.  Live Through This was my Hole highpoint.

Nirvana may've been over after In Utero but I really really wish that I could go out and buy Kurt's new album, the work that he left, the direction the Unplugged session seemed to hint at and the people who were talking to him about collaborations would've been quite insane.  Can you imagine what things would be like if he was still around today and making music? I think we'd still have a Foo Fighters so don't worry on that one.  Ah the things that we reminisce on from our past when you accidentally find a load of your old music on your computer.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Words and Pictures

A nice clean empty page.  Just like every new day.  It's full of possiblities.  Some might leave the page empty.  Some might tear it out and make a paper plane out it.  Some might screw it up and throw it away.  Some might fill it with drawings.  Some with words of kindness.  Some with words of unkindness.  Some will just doodle and ramble amongst the pages.  The beautiful thing is that there are endless possibilities.  Not just once but every single new page brings these.  So every single day there are new possibilities.  It doesn't even really matter what has come before, or what will come after, each day there is a fresh clean page.  A brand new start.

We spend so much of our time trying to fit in, trying not to offend some and trying hard to offend others all in the name of belonging.  The silly thing is if we were just to be ourselves we would find the right people and the right people would find us and we would be able to do away with all the pretence and just be ourselves.  Each one of us is unique but too many of us try to blur the edges so that we can fit in with the crowd.  Or we are so untrue to ourselves incase someone should judge us.  There'll always be someone judging you - there will always be someone happy to step up and be mean to you, so make sure you are kind to yourself.  Embrace your individuality. 

This one isn't strictly true for always, you can't just laugh all the time and not take anything seriously but I think it's obvious what point I am trying to make.  We all get so wrapped up in the number of friends we have that we can over complicate our lives and actually end up pretty miserable but not wanting to admit it because we are all pretending to be this, that or the other.  Remember to smile and laugh each and every day.  Be true, be real, be free.  Don't worry too much about yesterday, or tomorrow......the future will happen anyway, so there is no point really worrying about it as there is nothing you can do about it, it will happen whether you like it or not.  Build your own life in a way that makes you happy, make your little piece of the earth the best you can and just hope that everyone else does the same.

Friday, 27 May 2011

My Dream.

What I'd like....what I'd really like is my own little book store. I'd have it open at odd times, sometimes at midnight.
There'd be glitter heavily involved in the decoration and little tiny china teacups and teapots.

There'd be a little stage at the back for local bands to play. With a little room out back for me, with a vintage desk and a hammock.

I'd have one of those little ladders that slide along the bookcases.

I think I'd have an old school hat stand with some wings and a wand hanging on it.

Cupcakes would be for sale, because, you know, cupcakes cure all ills.

I'd have an old school vintage cash register and hanging baskets outside.

There'd be a rocking chair in the corner with a puppy dog asleep on the cushion.

The logo would be a bambi and a unicorn silhouette.

I'd be very happy thank you.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Tears of a clown

I suffer from social phobia……or social anxiety…or SAD whatever you want to label it as. All I know is that it’s a giant pain in the ass.

I spent a childhood being told I couldn’t do things, being told I was no good and all that usual rot and it kind of manifested into me giving up until the day I could leave home or until I had the money to be a bit more independent.

Things totally worked out that way as well. As soon as I strided away from my home town and the restraints it brought with it (ie this was a real tracksuit and trainers town at the time and I was little miss mod girl – I got abuse). I found myself; I grew as a person and became quite confident. My picture was taken when I went out and I loved it all. I was signed up for an agency that picked people for music videos and all sorts. All things I would never dream of doing today.

Aren’t you meant to get more confident as you get older?

Not me.

We all know the big two incidents that led me to this place (for those that don’t it was an abusive relationship and the best part of 4 years being house bound) – it’s amazing how much it effects your behaviour. Then on the flip side – if someone feeds you every day, you will have forgotten how to use a knife and fork within about 6 weeks. So 4 years of limited social activity, of course I am going to find it hard to find my feet again.

I went through a weird stage of feeling no good and so, so ugly at the end of that horrible relationship and then I had all the weird hormonal stuff that went on with the tumours and I frequently found myself getting all excited to go out, getting dressed up, going out and then freezing. I’d sit in a room full of people feeling so alone. So scared. So boring. So unable to do anything. My heart would be in my mouth. I would have mean little mantra’s spinning around my head making me feel worse and worse. I’d bolt and it wouldn’t be until I was home that I realised I hadn’t been breathing properly.

I’d see people I knew and would look down and rush away or duck into a shop. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see them I just had this total panic over take me and fear would kick in. It was all new to me and I didn’t know what to do.

I was known as a real motor mouth who could talk to anyone and did talk to anyone. I’d end up with phone numbers of new ‘friends’ every time I went out. People knew who I was, weirdly. I really had no issues with talking to people. If anything I was told I talked too much. So how did this happen to me and how do I get away from it?

My real friends all tell me I am fine. I might seem fine but I get so stressed out and can end up sometimes not enjoying myself or making excuses at the last minute to not be able to go out. In fact, the friends I keep near tell me I am still little miss chatterbox.

I don’t feel that way though.

A friend told me I am so far from shy that it’s something else. He’d be right – but I just don’t know what that something else is…..or I guess I do. Social Phobia.

The bain of my life.

At work I sit on my own all day. I can’t really leave my desk other than for breaks and lunch. My breaks and lunch are quite often at different times to others. I feel that I don’t know the people I work with. It’s new to me. Every job I’ve ever had I’ve made friends that stick around long after I have left that employment. But now? It’s all weird. I walk down this corridor to get to the kitchen where our breaks are and you would not believe the dread that overwhelms me. Just walking into a room where quite a few people could be finishing off their break makes me feel sick. Yet I do it. But no one knows the accomplishment in such a small pathetic task. I’ve been asked why I never join them outside on a sunny day. There is no way right now I could walk up to a table full of people already talking. I can’t actually do it. It’s like my feet are set in cement.

It sounds so pathetic and so indulgent. I would’ve just told people to pull themselves together, man up and get on with it. If only it were that simple.

I’ve danced on stages. Been on stage with bands. Played an instrument on my own to 500 people. Had my picture taken for magazines (not those kind thanks very much). I’ve had a band halt a show to tell me to stop talking…..yet suddenly…….here I am this little shell of the person I used to be. Consumed by a fear I don’t understand, a fear that I don’t want, a fear that makes me so mad at myself.

I feel retarded for even writing this but realised many people suffer in silence, and the kind of ironic comment is that I am sick of the silence. I am sick of being locked in that quiet room.

I guess some days are better than others though. A few years ago there would be times that it would take up to an hour just to be able to leave the house. I’ve never been so grateful for a job as I was in those times, as I had no choice, I had to get out there and face the world.

Now I am trying to face my demons. It’s not easy. I wish it was.

I feel I’ve failed this job sometimes as I can’t see how the people here will never not feel like strangers now, that the set up I put myself in was the worst one for someone with a social phobia. I worry that I am being a bad friend as I am always on edge or worried about one thing or another.

The comforting thing is that I know this is not me. I know that this is a temporary blip and the more confident me is there somewhere. I just don’t have the key to let her out just yet.

My doctor asked me how I did it once. I had no clue what she was talking about. I asked. She told me that I had been through so much that she didn’t know how I wasn’t having counselling. After a little chat she told me that she had never known anyone that had counselled themselves so well and that when I finally work out what to do with all this information that I will be a force to be reckoned with. You might laugh at that comment but honestly, I really hope she’s right. In my darkest moments it’s something I cling to, with hope! I also have some wonderful friends that have been so understanding and patient and I really thank them for that.

I am sure there are people around me that think I am quite rude, or can’t be bothered with them. I worry that my awkwardness makes them think there is something wrong with them or that I don’t like them. It’s never that. Believe me if I don’t like you, you will never be in doubt about that.

I kick myself for all the wasted opportunities there have been and hope that one day just walking into a room of people won’t be such a difficult thing to do.

All the health issues I had can be really antagonised by stress and I have to really try to avoid such situations, kind of hard when I am trying so hard to overcome this phobia
I’ve built massive walls around me that some people seem to take personally. It never is, it’s about self protection more than anything.
I can’t believe that I became the girl that once entered a room with such enthusiasm now feels sick to walk into that room. The girl that would sulk if the phone call wasn’t for them, now runs from a ringing phone (yeah for those of you who know what I do for my job do laugh – it’s one of the very reasons I took this job.) I never wanted to become this silly person. You would never believe how much I beat myself up over it, and I am not so foolish as to think that too many of you even care. I just hope that one person reading this will maybe feel not so alone with their own phobia or that someone somewhere will show someone tomorrow that little bit more understanding and not just write them off. You never really know what is going on with someone or what has gone on with someone. You only really know what they tell you. Sometimes all you have to do is take a second to scratch the surface. Most people are worth it you know.


This kind of ties into a few things in my mind.

A friend text me last night saying how we seem to have put all our bad behaviour behind us and found things we are good at, she ended the text with ‘Go us!’ that made me smile.

See, friends are kind of important.

But friendships are not always easy.

They’re not always easy because of a little thing called Friendshifts…..I think it’s more of a female phenomenon.

Men connect if they can drink beer together or talk about some form of sport.

Women tend to connect on nearly every level there is. We’re the talking sex right! So it stands to reason we share more and therefore the emotions run deeper.

Yet if a couple uproot for a man’s job – the man seems to slide into acquaintance roles with new people and the women pine for the friends they’ve left behind.

A couple have a baby. The man still goes out with his mates, he carries on with life, but a woman’s whole world is spun on its head. And friendships shift. Some would say suffer.

Some women just get sucked into the whole baby talk business, and if all you are doing is looking after your baby and looking at other babies you can kind of see why.

That’s why it’s so important to not lose yourself. Even if it’s a struggle to start with. That’s what partners and babysitters are for.

I’ve also found recently that going through any big life change really alters your friendships.

As you get older you sadly get more tired. You have more pulls on your finances and you just have more commitments. You generally start to feel more comfortable in your own skin too and don’t feel the need to be out of the house with others 24/7. You don’t always want to be in a club until 4am on a school night. You suddenly want to have a seat when you go out for a drink and dammit you want to actually hear the conversation not just sit like a nodding dog waiting for your turn to speak whilst your friends then take on the role of the nodding dog.

I don’t know how or when these things change. I denied they would ever happen to me but what do you know – they did.

As you all know about the time of this shift in my life I also had a long term illness.

Nothing like that to sort the wheat from the chaff in friendships either.

Some just ran for the hills not able to deal with their brick suddenly crumbling and needing them.

Some just slowly drifted to the outer edges of my vision and that’s just life – shit happens sometimes. Quite often it’s not intentional and nothing is meant by it. It also doesn’t mean you stop caring. But these things do happen.

I realised I had no time for negativity anymore. I had friends that made me feel so drained just being around them and I knew it had to stop. I’d rather sit indoors on my own watching sweet FA than the effort involved in trying to keep smiling when a little part of you is dying inside.

I’d go out – I’ve always loved dressing up – but honestly every girl would give you the eye – either checking you out in a bitchy fashion or being possessive over their boyfriends, either way I didn’t care I was no threat to them. I wasn’t interested in making them feel rotten or stealing their boyfriends.

It was about that time I noticed how many couples or friends fall out after a night of drinking. That was quite sad/funny to watch. I say funny as some of the things people shout at each other is pure comedy.

I also noticed how violent weekends out were starting to feel. It didn’t feel safe travelling home. I couldn’t face those 2 hour night buses with that horrible wait at the bus stop where I obviously have ‘Please if you are weird come and talk to me’ stamped across my forehead.

I also wanted more than hangovers to show for my wages.

I did such a clear out of friends. There are no hard feelings, no bad blood, if I see them I will smile and talk and share a drink and I wish them all well in life.

I am not little miss up for anything anymore.

I realised it was time I had to start respecting my body – I’d sure put it through the mill to the point of collapse. Now I had to show it a little love for all the years it had seen me through my ‘bad behaviour.’

I wanted to give back to this world and just feel peace and calm.

Believe me I still like to see people, I still want to socialise, I’d just much rather do that over dinner or round someone’s house with a nice bottle of wine.

I think they call it growing up but please whisper that one under your breath.

I’ve seen my social group shrink hugely – but also seen how every single one of those people left in that group would be there for me! How nice.

I’ve changed so much and I hope it’s in a good way – and I now feel ready to give back to this life. I know I said all this the other day but it’s such a weird place of transition. I’m excited about the future but there sure are times when I miss my past. I know I will forever be tempted to push my self destruct button and it’s all about being with people and in situations that will stop me from doing that.

Things had to change.

So why do I sit there counting friends? I am sure other people do that. But I know it’s about quality of friends not quantity.

I heard someone at work moaning about a couple of their friends and how they are really selfish and it’s not fun to be around them and I just thought ‘Well why bother then?’ And it’s all about being scared of not being out and about as much but honestly if that’s the quality of your time together – stay in and have a nice bubble bath, crank the radio up and sing along, it’ll be far more fun.

Facebook and things like it have made people count friends, but I am sorry no one has 600 friends. A magazine writer wrote an article about how she had a big cull on facebook and is pleased to see she has 190 close friends. Um no you don’t love – it’s impossible to have 190 close friends. There are not enough hours in the day to be a good friend to that many people.

For years and years its been said most of us can count our true friends on one hand. Those true friends are the ones you should be counting as close friends.

Why do we all pretend and fool each other when really we are just fooling ourselves?

Friendship is so important, and we need friendships of all different shapes and sizes, just don’t go wasting time and energy on the wrong people!

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Just because you can see me does not mean you know me.

This is a bit of a finger up to someone I used to work with and a bit of a statement about not judging a book by its cover.

Someone I used to work with thinks I can be too placid, a bit of a wet fart maybe? I don’t know – they’ve never actually said that bit but I am just guessing. The thing is I don’t just lose my temper over anything – I make sure it’s worthwhile. I also don’t take it out on people that had nothing to do with it. If that makes me too placid so be it, I actually think it’s more about being an adult and being in control of my emotions, but there you go.

But all this got me thinking about how people judge so much about someone’s character just by looking at them. Wrong really. Especially if you only see them at work. Especially when you are like me and not stuck to an image – I used to be so tied to looking a certain way that I quite like keeping people guessing these days.
I think it’s true to say that most people have a side of them that is more dominant at work, with their friends, on their own and with their partner. None of these sides is fake but it’s just the way you maybe fine tune yourself, and personally I think you should do this at work. Not be fake but you are there in a professional capacity so you know, be professional!

Anyway – I digress a little.

I said something yesterday about when I used to smoke…..this was met with ‘You used to smoke wow get you!’ um what? Does it make me cool that I used to smoke? What!?! I gave up 2 ½ years ago but I don’t sing and dance about it as I don’t think it’s worth singing and dancing about – I was a fool to have started smoking really – especially seeing as I have asthma. But yeah I used to smoke, a shit load, make of it what you will.

The response to that shocked me. How could someone smoking or not smoking be such a big deal? What sort of picture are people painting of me?

Butter wouldn’t melt?

Yeah right!

See, just as I was turning 20 I was taking medication every day for the ulcers that were forming in my stomach due to how much I drank. I didn’t even think I was that bad. I was coming to London every weekend for long weekends and was drinking a lot I guess. It wasn’t until I had to do a medical check and lied and only put down some of my weekend drinking as my total consumed in a week and was met with a ‘Wow this could get you signed off work as an alcoholic!’ did it make me think. For like two seconds. I laughed it off. See, I was cool!

I started going out with this guy, we’ll call him ‘M’. We could quite often be found drinking at 4am miles from home on a school night. We attracted a lot of abuse actually. We were both loud and obnoxious, his band was just taking off and I was just moving to London. We were the King and Queen of mod (it’s a stage I think so many people moving to London go through). My old drinking buddy was at this point in rehab I think. Later to become a prostitute and some harrowing things happened there. Thankfully there is a happy ending to that story, but it’s not mine to tell. I was known as trouble I think you could say, the girl that could talk a million miles an hour and would drink anyone under the table. Anyway, I started a job. I dressed up nice for the interview and got in fine. Even managed to negotiate more money straight away. I worked hard and I played harder. All around my desk at work was a pool of glitter, slowly dripping from me as the day went on. It had been asked ‘What happened to the sweet innocent thing that walked through this office door?’ it was a joke really as I was still me and I was promoted into management so I was doing well but the stories I had to tell each day made people laugh. I once had my boss call me outside for a smoke. She pushed a roll of £20 notes in my hand and begged me to eat. I looked shocked. My 5 packs for £1 noodles that I had for lunch were food right? I only did that so I had money to go out on later. ‘M’ was a distant memory by then and I had moved in with my friends ‘G, R and L’ and man was that a party household. Along with ‘A’ and ‘D’ and ‘N’ we hit the clubs, we hit the gigs, I brought half the club back to the flat and would become known as the tea and cheese and toast girl. Well I looked after my guests don’t you know. At some point ‘M’ reappeared but was thankfully shooed away quickly enough. I was getting known as the girl that was always up for going out.

Natural energy kept me going, fuelled by drink for some time. All the bands I loved back home were starting to become people I knew.

Cat Power told me I talked too much. Tiny (Ultrasound) and his girlfriend wanted me to go round for tea. David (comet gain) would dance with me every other weekend at the Betsey, he later introduced me to Kathleen Hanna and made my day! He also introduced me to Ian (Make up) ‘M’s band had recently opened for them and David said I was M’s ex, Ian sympathised with me for ever going out with him in the first place which made me chuckle. I looked a lot like Michelle from the Make up at the time and made a few friends based on initial mistaken identity. The world became a blur of bands, phone numbers written on my arm, gigs, parties, drinking, annoying the neighbours. They were some of the best times of my life. I even had a stalker and thought it meant I’d made it. I even had to run to the police one night walking home due to some idiot who wouldn’t let go. I had a knife pulled on me by a group of about 12 lads and somehow I talked my way out of it. I remembered that incident as the day I got into a strangers car and shouted ‘Follow that bus’ – the strangers helped me out – they weren’t the bad guys.

Then there was the dabbling with things I shouldn’t have. I was fine. But I think I have to admit my poor body was broken. I barely ate. I barely slept. I just went out to party. I wasn’t just known as the tea and cheese on toast girl anymore I was also known as the girl who never slept.

I loved it.

I see that as the before Ali.

Before an abusive relationship. Before 5 years of being ill.

When I came back to London I naturally seemed to fall back into that life. My first night out and I ended up hanging out with Shane McGowan – I could understand everything he said – I don’t know if that says more about me or him. I would spend lunch breaks at work sneaking off to do music related things, I was in a video for The Long Blondes, I went to a secret gig and got interviewed……

I was back out drinking til all hours. I remember a quiet pizza night for my birthday that ended up with me waking up in another part of town with my head in a pool of gin. I had to go to work that day too……..life became a whirl of gigs and parties and clubs again. Then I started to get ill with the whole tumour thing that I have blogged about before and don’t really need to do so again here, but I started to hang out nearer to home. This then led to a new group of friends, which led to many a pub lock in, many a 3am hunt for whiskey on a school night. I hung out with a guy we’ll call ‘G’ who made me realise that I really love to push my self destruct button. I love the thrill of all that. There is only one way that can end up.

I knew it but didn’t want to stop. I get that rush of being on a rollercoaster and I feel free.

But I know that it will ultimately kill me. There is only so much a body can take.

Mine was shutting me down.

None of this is spectacular or amazing – it’s just youth.

And that’s the thing. I am no longer a youth – I am an adult and I guess this is just growing up. I wanted real friends, not just acquaintances. I knew I’d always want to push that button, I couldn’t seem to learn to stop that so I knew I had to distance myself from that.

People think I am about 10 years younger than I am. That might explain why they think I should be out of my tree every weekend still.

I saw this break people but I still kept going – it almost broke me but I still kept going.

All that time out being ill made me stop. I thought and I changed track.

Now I am studying a writing course and working at a costume house. I see my friends maybe twice a week for a nice catch up. I visit family and I eat! I have hobbies for the first time in a long time and am really enjoying learning how to make things, spending time with my partner and just learning to enjoy the simpler things in life. I notice so much more every day.
If that makes me boring so be it. I have lived about ten lifetimes already and am ready for the quieter life – the life where I give back rather than just taking.
This is a very condensed version and maybe one day I’ll write my life story, but for now – just remember not to judge a book by its cover!!!!!

Sunday, 22 May 2011

London, Blighty!

It's nice that right in the centre of London you have all this open green space and wildlife.....and I don't mean the tourists....well not always anyway!  The squirrels have no shyness about them as you can see from the squirrel above. 

Whilst we were out and about helicopters were flying low the whole time......we later found out they were US Military checking out the place because of Obama's visit.......it's weird that everyone everywhere was sneezing too - haha take that for your conspiracy theories!

Thursday, 19 May 2011

I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone

I was walking around a book store idly and one book jumped out at me. This is quite often how I end up choosing books and weirdly I have rarely been disappointed.

This one was called ‘I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone’ by Stephanie Kuehnert. I’d never heard of her before but I was a huge Riot Grrrl back in the day and loved Sleater Kinney. This book is named after one of their songs.

The back of the book kept me interested, another good sign, if I can’t even get through the blurb on the back then what hope is there.

This book was about a young girl called Emily Black, her Dad plays guitar and she knew her Mom, Lousia,  was heavily into music, but that’s about all she knew about her Mom, as her Mom took off when she was very young never to be heard from again.

Emily struggles with life like many of us do in our teenage years, she’s finding things she likes and grasping on to things she probably shouldn’t. Her Father cares for her and is doing the best he can but even years after his wife left he is still haunted by her, longing for her.

Emily forms a band and tries to act tough and indifferent to the effects her Mother leaving had on her.

She eventually has to admit that she is living her entire life based on trying to be her, or at least find her.
The characters are intensely believable. The description of the scene shows an author who lived it and hasn’t just dreamed it up. I felt like I knew Emily and felt for her as I journeyed with her on her emotional rollercoaster of a life. I laughed, I cringed and I felt for this girl, just like I would a friend.

Stephanie writes about the trials of a young girl trying to find herself and find her place in a predominantly male world of music with sensitivity and humour. She touches on real issues and turns this into a great coming of age rock n roll read.

Buy It.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Am I the only one?

Proms never used to exist in the UK - you would have a lame school disco once or twice a year, you dressed up a little but not in a prom dress, that would've gained you a serious kick in or just people pointing and laughing.  It was the usual set up - no food, fizzy drinks and boys on one side and girls on the other, as the night progressed you'd get boys on one side and girls in the middle dancing.  Then as the night came to a close the same old lame song would be played for like the two people that had hooked up so everyone would watch them like some really inappropriate first dance at a wedding.  Lame!

Now it's all about the Prom.  Which I am sure is all about whether you get crowned Prom Queen or not.  Usually the two cheesiest members of school right?

Worse yet - they would campaign for this 'honor'.


I've never needed people's approval that greatly or that on mass.  I find it kindof weird.

It's the social version of only buying clothes if there is another 30 of them exactly the same in the shop.

Isn't it just unhealthy competition designed to make those that don't feel like they fit in feel even more on the fringes of school life.

One day people will realise those on the fringes can quite often be the really interesting grown ups.  They had to work at having a personality, they learned to look at things in a different way.  They notice more in the world than just their own reflection.

I love dressing up but I think if Proms were like that in the UK or in my day I'd have just laughed and taken the pee and gone as little Bo Peep - for I am one of the interesting adults obviously ;op

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

I stole it.

I saw this on another account I have and found myself nodding along to a lot of it - it ties in heavily with the last few posts I have made as well.  Too often we confuse life by thinking success is about the things we own.  We are quick to judge and slow to forgive.  I've found in some situations you can make yourself fit in if you bitch about others.  It takes a much stronger, better person to realise if that's what it takes to fit in with those people then those aren't the people you want in your life!  It might mean you have a smaller circle of friends, but they will be friends, not just faces that you know.  Before you bounce ahead and bitch about others to fit in - think about who would really be there for you - I can guarantee you it won't be 'those types of people'.  Quite often people that spend their time bitching about others will have a gaggle of people around them because no one wants to be next on their list, it's not usually about having a dazzling personality.  Quite often they are quick to point out everyone else's flaws so that you don't take the time to notice theirs.  They are not better than you so don't let them think they are.  Rise above and if they can't be bothered to take the time to get to know you then it really is their loss.

Life can be tough enough so why invite more trouble in?  I know if you are being bullied or feel down on your luck it's really annoying when someone says that things will get better and to rise above, but you really have to try and you'll see that things do seem to happen for a reason and you just have to make sure you are open to all that is around you and to not carry all the bad things with you - but learn from them and then let them go.

There is someone whose path crosses mine from time to time.  She fits the category of the person I am describing hugely.  She is so quick to judge in a negative way and from what I can see she is always getting it wrong.  I think when she is alone she can't be very happy.  She just screams negativity to me - and why would you want to invite that into your life?

It's your life don't let someone else define who you are for you.

It's cool to be different anyway!


1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5. Play more games.

6. Read more books than you did in 2010.

7. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

8. Sleep for 7 hours.

9. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.


1. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

2. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

3. Don’t over do. Keep your limits.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.

6. Dream more while you are awake.

7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

8. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.

10. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

13. Smile and laugh more.

14. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.


1. Call your family often.

2. Each day give something good to others.

3. Forgive everyone for everything.

4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

5. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

6. What other people think of you is none of your business.

7. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.


1. Do the right thing!

2. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

3. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

4. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

5. The best is yet to come.

6. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.