It’s not that I don’t like you, I do – it’s just that things are never as easy or as simple as they seem.
5 years of illness is not just going to go away one day, things stay with you – and not all of those scars heal quickly or can be seen.
I still have tumours – I still get pain from them – these ones can’t be removed. I still have to be really careful about getting stressed as this triggers a lot of the symptoms. I still get pains in my heart due to when the hospital thought I was on the verge of a heart attack. These things are scary but I am trying to deal with them. I’ve been put on some medication that is making me really fucking depressed and it’s hard to work through that.
I took this job to be able to try to tackle some of the phobias that I had developed through the illness and the abusive relationship that came before it. Social phobia including using the telephone. I have no idea where they came from but I am trying really hard to beat them or at least face up to them as best I can. I am not special, I am not saying poor me, I am just trying to explain in the best way I know how….writing!
Walking into a room of people kills me. I used to love it. It’s hard not knowing the person I am these days, but I am getting there, I am getting to know and understand her better and better each day. I had friends, lots of them. Some have proved their worth so much when they never had to prove a thing. Others have neglected me and yes it hurts but I try not to carry that with me, that’s life, we’ve moved on, sadly not together. I am building my life up slowly, bit by bit, I refuse to be rushed or rush into this – I want to make it right.
My doctor thinks I am amazing. Very sweet of her but I don’t know if it’s true. She thinks most people would be on anti-depressants and seeing a counsellor by now. I don’t believe in either. Pills will mask things for a while, at some point you have to face things. Counsellors just help you find out what is wrong….I’ve done that by myself. I know how I am affected and I know why, I just don’t yet know what to do about it. So to protect myself I have built a wall around me. It’s not hard to penetrate; you just have to care a little. I can assure you the girl on the other side of it is actually pretty friendly, I’ve been told she’s actually a really good friend to have.
Instead of judging and assuming, take the time to get to know the people you maybe don’t quite understand…you might be surprised.
We’ve all got our own shit to deal with, wouldn’t it be sad if we all just wrote each other off without trying to understand why! Not only would it make this world less lonely and friendlier it would help us grow as individuals too.
In this day and age we are all too quick to judge. All too quick to take the piss out of things we don’t understand, if we can’t label it we fear it. How sad.
Try to go a day without ridiculing or belittling someone just to get a laugh or to fit in, you’ll be surprised……..
I am not different. I am not special. I don’t feel that it’s just me that has all this to deal with. I’m not just having a moan. I am not trying to say poor me. I am just human….and I am just asking for that to be recognised in all of us…….and for patience and understanding.