Monday, 3 January 2011

Some kind of love letter

Once upon a time I didn’t really pick and choose who was in my life too much – that has interesting consequences – sometimes it means you make friends with great people that you would never have happened upon if you were sticking to ‘your kind’ sometimes you invest in the wrong people – but it’s all good as long as you remember to learn from it.

These days I might even have gone to the other extreme and I am really really careful about who I let in my life. Of course this can still have bad consequences as I could be a really crap judge of character….but I don’t think so.

At work I feel like I am playing out another side of myself – always aware that someone is paying for me to be there and to behave a certain way. This doesn’t seem to be met with approval by everyone. It’s funny how once I started to moan about a few things I seemed to become more human to some of my colleagues. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s more a dig at human nature than anything. We bond over bitching about someone or something else. Bit odd really isn’t it. Life to me is too short to bother, if I don’t get good vibes from someone I just have them in my life as little as possible. If I feel uncomfortable I try to listen to that. I try to work on my insecurities and just let others be. Sometimes I think too much time is wasted getting wound up about things that really don’t matter. This can make me look too laid back or weak……..both of those thoughts would be quite a mistake. If people can’t be bothered to scratch the surface these days, then I can’t be bothered full stop. Does that sound harsh? It’s not meant to. I don’t want to give all of myself away with one look at me, with one conversation with me. That would make Jack a very dull girl ay! There’s a couple of characters at work that I think will become friends over time and that is good enough for me.

I suddenly realised it’s ok for the whole world not to like me.

I don’t like the whole world so it’s only fair really isn’t it.

I have felt let down by some friends – especially whilst I was at the height of being ill, but thankfully, I am finally starting to let that slide, to realise that people come and go.

It’s more important to be comfortable with yourself – be a good person and you will gravitate towards the right people.

How long have I spent beating myself up over my quiet and calm social life, my small group of friends. To the point that I sometimes worried I was starting to sound ungrateful. Instead I should be celebrating the people in my life and realise that there are many others to meet out there, and I will meet them, when the time is right. In the meantime I want to focus on the handful of people in my life now. It is a huge honour to them that I have let them in and kept them there.

I won’t name each of you individually as I risk missing someone out and it’s not my intentions to hurt anyone so…….I have a group of about 10 friends that I consider to be there for life, through thick and thin……and that’s not bad going. That’s about 10 people that I can tell anything to and know that I will not be judged. Yes, I may get laughed at, but in a nice way. There is huge comfort in that. And those people are worth so much more than 500 acquaintances.

Check out people’s facebook. Do they really know 900 people? Um no! And if they do – then how many are real friends? How good a friend are you being if you have to spread yourself so thin? It’s just a thought.

D and me might appear an unlikely couple to some, but we’re almost 4 years in. We’ve had our ups and downs and our heartaches. We’ve been through a lot and no doubt have a lot more to go through. We work. We click. We get each other, warts and all. We drive each other mad in a good way and in the not so good way. But something works, and generally it works very well and for that I thank myself for being open and I thank D fullstop.

To friends and family that are here with me now, I love you all and thank you.

Now I am off to back some cupcakes…it feels like that kindof day.

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