Thursday, 30 September 2010

I ponder here, I ponder there

Sometimes I feel like my life is empty and without meaning. I never really understood why I thought like this as I have a job, I have hobbies, I have friends, I seem to be quite busy. So how can it be empty? How can it not have meaning? Most things have meaning – just on different levels.

What I realised was I was judging myself, against what or who I really don’t know. It’s not like I now a zillion high flying business people that have mega bucks and can afford to do just about anything they desire. Then we all know that even that can become empty and people just keep looking for more and more.

So maybe that’s it? Maybe I just have a natural curiosity about life that keeps be always looking for more and therefore never feeling like I have enough.

I don’t mean things either – the amount of things I have bugs me sometimes.

I think I worry because I rent and don’t own a house. But in today’s market that might actually be considered sensible. I don’t have children. But that’s not the bee all and end all of life and there’s still time yet. And I’ve always said I will never have children just because others are having them. I’ve not travelled much. But the way the world is going that is going to become the norm’ soon. Then I remember how a statistic showed a high number of Americans don’t own a passport and have never left their country. So maybe I’m not so odd.

What is it that I feel is missing then?

I know my social life is calmer but it can’t just be that can it? Even when I was out every night and had a big group of friends I still felt this sense of something not being right.

Maybe I am just too hard on myself.

Maybe someone out there is thinking wow if only my life could be more like hers. Maybe we are always judging, never feeling good enough or never thinking others are good enough. It’s good to keep questioning things but I need to learn to stop questioning myself.

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