Tuesday, 16 March 2010

It's pink on the outside and teary in the middle

So here's the thing......I am scared of the telephone, but a part of me really wants it to ring. I love being around people but secretly am really frightened on the inside. I want quiet but at the same time I need the noise. You get the idea of the contradictions? It begs the question 'Am I normal?', which then begs the answer 'Define normal!'.

Once upon a time I would spend hours talking to friends on the phone. I would be sad if the phone rang and it wasn't for me. Rightly or wrongly, I'd talk to anyone. Could hold my own on most conversations and was always up for going out.

So, what happened? I went through an abusive relationship with someone that would ridicule my conversation. Would talk over me on the phone to others, would interupt and generally belittle me until I hung up the phone. It turned it into a phobia. Said idiot is long gone but the phobia kindof lingers. I got ill and stopped going out - not because I wanted to stay in but because I was too sick to go out. I felt like a failure and a let down and a bad friend. Despite being told that I was fun to be around and not a bad friend, I still beat myself up to the point it's hard to be in social situations. I have never had time alone before in my life - there's always been family or friends with me, I used to hate it but the truth is I quite like it these days - but only now and then. My biggest fear is not having enough to say - or not having fun things to say. My best friend bought me a book for a get well present and inside was a Little Miss Chatterbox bookmark, and it would appear that this is how the majority of the world would view me, apart from the person that looks back at me from the mirror. So, these issues all have reasons behind them but ultimately it's my job to change them and to work on them. So why do I find it so hard? Evidence is that I am a nice person, who is funny, a bit quirky, has an opinion and is relatively very chatty. So, why do I see it so differently? Why do I allow one or two stupid people or silly incidences to rule over all the other evidence around me and the opinions of people I actually care about?

Now, if I knew the answer to that I would probably be a very rich lady as I know I am not alone in the doubts and fears that I have. I just choose to not hide them so much anymore or to air them in public now and then.

I started a lovely job but ran into someone that would complain about me left, right and centre. I'd never come across this before. I start a job, make friends, do my job well and then leave - that's the pattern I've always had before. So, what was different? Insecurity! From said person and me. I've done what I can but I think the damage has been done for me and this job being that socialable - I keep everyone at arms length due to the confusion this one person caused me when I first started.

As has been said before - there was a person recently in my life that painted me out to be this person I was not. I don't normally have fall outs and am not normally disliked - and I don't mean that in an egotistical way - it's not that everyone usually loves me but I'm a decent person and that shows. So what was it that suddenly someone was out to get me. Jealousy, insecurity and not being able to label me is pretty much what did that. So I've kept them at arms length and things haven't been so bad. Hence why I tried the same tactic at work. Here lies the problem. I let someone else make me question myself and then tried to justify and explain someone else's lies. That just cannot be done. I was insecure and got a bit paranoid whilst so ill for so long - I need to let that go and stop beating myself up for it - I think it's understandable after what I have been through. My doctor even asked me what my secret was to how well I have handled it all - I hadn't realised I had been handling it so well - so that just goes to show again.

The ultimate realisation is when you are a decent person some people feel threatened. When you are not afraid to be a girl and have a voice - some people can't deal with it. That's their bad. Let them get on with it. It's easy to say rise above but it's not always so easy to do. I do firmly believe that whatever happens to us gives us the chance to grow as a person and I guess that is what I should focus on. I should not let anyone tell me how I should be just because they don't understand me or feel threatened by me. I should never let someone make me doubt myself. And I should not judge a group of people by one bad apple.

It's been quite a path to get to this point......but I think I may have made it. I still have no clue how to tackle the social issues I have but I hope that with time and with good friends only in my life - I might just make it. I guess I just need to make peace with myself and if anyone misunderstands me - their loss, or something like that. I am me. It's not perfect. I have my insecurities but I'm not bad. In the words of Johnny Depp "People do themselves a great disservice by not allowing themselves to see who they really are because they are afraid."


  1. im full of contradictions too its crazy! and im really sorry you went through an abusive relationship, no body deserves that, youre stronger now which is good, and cute blog!


  2. Well I really like that you shared your story. Thats very brave and genuine of you. Your situation reminds me ALOT of me, & things I went thru. When I was 15 I was sexually abused it was traumatizing & done in a very horrific way, & after that I developed terrible anxiety which im still dealing w/ & ended up 70 ponds, severely ill. Now, 4 yrs later, Im a little better but about to undergo surgery from the illnesses ive developed. The reason Im telling you this is b/c I want you to know You are NOT alone. I know I felt so alone & terrified when I started out sick & anxiety about even leaving the house.

    So maybe you should try stepping outside of your comfort zone once a week. It could really build up your self esteem again. & Before you know it you could have your fun bubbly old self back to normal again!

    Well if you would like to share more Id love to hear it & I'd love to help in any way possible I know I wouldve done anything to have a little help from someone going thru the same thing when my issues first started, so If it would help you could email me :) kendra30752@yahoo.com

    great blog :)

  3. Thank you both for your lovely comments. I think people feel like they are the only ones thinking or feeling such ways and I bet we all do at some time or another. I know even the most confident of people on the outside can be reeling on the inside - but it doesn't help you at that given moment. Kendra I am so sorry for what you went through - some people are beyond words - in a bad way - but I am glad that you have been strong enough to pick up the pieces and start to put your life back together as best you can. I guess I was 'lucky' that I didn't suffer physical abuse, but on the flip side it's hard to heal the scars you can't see as well. I'm going to check out both your blogs - and thank you for sharing too and showing that people can overcome even really horrendous stuff.xx