Firstly I watched an interview with Russel Brand last night - someone I have found intensely annoying my whole lifetime of knowing him, not that I know him in real life, but you know what I mean. He came across as a very articulate and insecure young man, that knows his failings and has and is working hard to get on track and work these issues out. I was quite surprised.
The next surprise is just how low I have been feeling since my operation. I feel almost guilty for this as things could finally have been solved for me, there are a million and more people in a worse situation than me, and I can say well I look in some ways to have a charmed life, I have some great friends, I live in a turret, I work for a company that makes amazing outfits for film and theatre and I get to meet loads of famous people and get paid for it. But something doesn't feel right. Is it down to the amount of time I have been cooped up inside without seeing that many people or going out that often? Do I simply just need to buy myself one of those lights that give you your daily dose of vitamin D. Is it just down to having so much time on my hands to think? Or is it precisely because of these factors that I have been able to rub my eyes and see clearly.......do I want to be in a fickle world or do I want to be real and that means experiencing things warts and all. Well, I will always opt for the later. But I don't know what I do want to do. My confidence is so low due to being a slave to my illness for the last 3 years or more. I need to find out who I am - everyone changes in 3 years anyway so I need to find out my natural growth as a person as well as finding out how being ill like this has changed me, besides the obvious of not being so mobile and really finding out who your friends are.
I find that these days I have a lot less patience for people. I can't be bothered with small talking, that talking for the sake of filling up the silence. Most people annoy me these days. Is that from living in London? Is it an age thing? I really don't know. I've seen some pretty horrible examples of human nature over the past few years, whether it be people almost bullying others due to their lack of confidence or feeling insecure or just being plain bored and trying to cause trouble to liven up their own lives. I don't expect to deal with such things after school to be honest, but maybe I was expecting too much? I can't be bothered with the whole having to go to some sweaty club just because it's the weekend. But that in no way means I don't want to have fun or know how to have fun, I guess I have just gotten to know myself and what I do and don't like. That is one thing I can say for getting ill, it has given me time out of my life in a way that a lot of people never get to have and although that brings with it a lot of issues and problems, it's also enabled me to really get to understand myself in a way I don't think a lot of us can or even want to for fear of what might be found.
These days I want to focus on those people that have really been there for me. But 3 odd years of not being the social butterfly I was have left me feeling socially impaired. I keep getting told that I am funny and chatty and that people want to spend time with me but on the inside I am a wreck. Constantly wondering if I am talking enough. Am I being funny or boring? I get so wound up that sometimes I can't wait til it's time to go purely so I can breathe again. I absolutely hate how that feels. Even when seeing my closest friends I can feel the panic rising up. I know I am not alone with feeling like this but at the moment in time, you feel so alone, you feel like no one else on the face of this earth is such a social reject.
How do I break that? How do I change that way of thinking? How do I stop feeling like I am no good and useless? I never expect to be little miss confident but I want to be able to function at a more easy rate. Throughout all this I know I am a good person and that has helped me through some of my darkest moments. It sounds like nothing when it's written down but honestly to feel like you are failing or drowning at most things you do can be heartbreaking for all those concerned. So maybe my challenge for 2010 is to try to get Alison back, the girl I was merged with the woman I have become.