Last night I bumped into a friend of a friend, and she invited me round to her house for tea and chocolate. Such a great combination and it appears to lead to some wonderful thoughts and ideas.
I was asked about my illness, and after the short story was offered up I was told how I was coping incredibly well. It got me thinking about how hard I can be on myself, that yes, I really have had a tough few years, even my doctor told me that I was coping in ways that a lot of people wouldn't. My boss just told me this morning that I was being very positive. To be honest, I can't see the point of being anything else. If I let this get to me then what good would it do me? Or others? I would be sat in the corner rocking backwards and forwards getting absolutely nowhere.
It's not been easy and it's far from over, the length of time this has taken to get sorted and the complications along the way led my friend Lisa to say that if it wasn't for my bad luck I would have no luck at all.......I laughed but then thought about it, if things had been sorted really quickly, I would never have learned the lessons that I have learned today. And although I would never wish all this on anyone, I have to say in some ways it's given me an opportunity to sit back from my life and look at it properly and to see what I am about and what I have been doing, to explore possible reasons as I why I am in this situation and why certain people have been there for me and certain people haven't. I also realised that I take things way too personally. All in all, a good bunch of lessons and things to learn.
Some of those lessons have been easy and some have been hard but all have been useful, and believe you, me I am still learning. I think the biggest shock to my system was those friends that only seemed to want to know when I was better. It made me realise what a fickle, shallow but very fun life I was leading. When I first moved to London I was a little scenester. I was always out, having a ball, I knew so many people, scratch that, I knew so many faces. I would spend quite a few nights a week with some people but realised that you don't actually talk that much when you are out drinking then going to a club to dance the night away. It is well known that I hate having my photograph taken, but back then people in the street would stop me to ask to take my photo, in clubs magazines were always taking my photo, to be fair it's not necessarily that I looked good, it might well have been because I looked odd. It was fun, I don't regret it but I am glad I have moved on to a life of more substance. And one that is a lot more healthy, I am not the underweight grey complexioned girl anymore, my hair and make up looked good, and that was as far as I looked. Life now is probably not as 'fun' but it's me, it's mine, and this is who I appear to be.
I moved away from London for a while and when I came back I quickly fell into the same pattern, and then I got ill. It's made me wonder if my body just decided that the subtle hints it had given me to slow down weren't working so it made sure it gave me something that put a full on stop to my life pretty much.
Either way, as I say lessons have been learned. My social group is tiny compared to what it was. I cannot remember the last time I went to a club, actually yeah I can, it ended with me dressing up as a nun and being given loads of free beer........lunch breaks are now spent pouring over fashion pages in magazines, and sometimes going out with Ana to the pub next door, they used to be filled with things like secret babyshambles gigs, appearing in music videos.....I think you get the picture. Two things that have been hard are the loss of Grant and Dean in my life. I think Grant has been busy and I have taken it too personally. Maybe for Dean I am just not 'scene to be seen' enough? I really don't know, he is someone that I thought would be in my life forever, just goes to show that life twists and turns in ways that you cannot control.
I live safe in the knowledge that I now have a lovely group of girlies around me, Marion, Sophie, Fe, Lisa, Jess, Claire, Jo, Jenny, Sarah, Cathy....for starters. My lovely family and D. ☺♥☺♥ and yes I feel blessed. Life is very different but I think I am starting to understand it more. I believe that no matter what is thrown at me that behind the scenes things are working towards what they should, it just might take me a while to see it, that's all.