Friday, 23 October 2009

Not tonight love, I'm washing my hair......

So it’s another Friday which is soon to turn into another weekend – yay. I have been thinking it was Saturday every day I have woken up since Wednesday – which was a nasty shock, I have been wanting that lie in for that long, whose to bet that I can’t actually sleep once I know I could for a whole day if I wanted to.

I have cancelled all plans this weekend, apart from maybe a walk along the Thames. Which always ends up expensive as my feet always take me past a store called Fopp. They sell discounted music and dvds……£3 dvd’s – you just can’t go wrong.

D is still feeling pretty battered and bruised so I want to look after him this weekend. Aw, bless me.

It’s made me realise though just what a homebody I have become. I think some people call that nesting – but that sounds too much like growing up to me.

I do like the quieter life now, I lived quite madly once, so I’ve experienced it, loved it and now it would seem I have left it behind. But does that make me boring? Or does it mean that I have gotten to know myself so well that I no longer have any demons left to hide from myself? Or does that open up a whole can of worms? People going out to hide from the demons that they have to face if they stay in? I don’t know about other countries, but I know there is huge pressure for a certain age group to be wild and crazy over the whole weekend so you start Monday feeling terrible but with plenty of stories to tell. And I most definitely used to be one of them. (I don’t think every time you go out it’s to hide from yourself by the way). But I do have friends that are feeling their age when it comes to that party lifestyle but they can’t give it up – so they are consuming more and more drugs to get through it.
Something in that really scares me, if your body is sending you such a strong message it might actually be worth listening to it?
Many of us dabble in our youth but when you get into your 30’s or 40’s and are still heavily using drugs recreationally is that not starting to seem like a problem?
I have always admired those people that say they don’t drink. I’ve always used alcohol as a bit of a crux to get me past my demons to allow me to be me and not worry about being judged and I almost envy people that don’t need to do that. I am one of those people that feels every silence in a conversation is their fault and ties themselves up in knots trying to fill it. My younger brother will speak if he has something to add otherwise he’s quite content to just keep silent. I admire that. It takes confidence.



I think by choosing to live with no regrets its made me look at my life and myself quite frequently and learn a lot, I don’t think there are many surprises I could pull on myself anymore. And I wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for taking the time out of that hectic social life to get there.

I sometimes look at people I used to hang out with and think they are living these fabulous lifestyles, but then realise they are actually just constantly doing a figure of 8. I am not judging anyone here just simple musing. What works for one is not always going to work for another, I know that.

I feel now that when I went out every night it was never a treat. Now I can make it super fun, go back to making a big deal about getting all dressed up and really have something to look forward to. I really relish time alone now – and it used to be something that I would do almost anything to avoid. A bit of peace in life is really important for the soul. A bit of luxurious me time. It’s nice to have gotten to know myself – because I’ve realised that I am not a bad person. I am a damn fine friend and very loyal. I might not be the best at everything, or the most fun or whatever but I’ve finally learnt to not let people make me feel bad or question myself that not everyone in life is going to like me and that is ok.

It’s like if someone asks you what you do, please tell them what you do in your own time, not what your job title is. Most of us are working because we have to, it’s not to say we don’t like things about our job but it shouldn’t be what defines you. The time you have outside of work and the things you choose to do are the things that define you. Every job, even the best one in the world will have aspects to it that are not as much fun, and after enough time those little things will be just as annoying as they were in your less fabulous job. It’s just the way it goes. But if you are a good and rounded person outside of that, it’s ok as you know it won’t be long until you can be ‘you’ again. I hate being defined by my job. It’s as though saying the job title is giving someone your life history and they nod in a way that makes them think they know everything about you. Never judge a book by its cover, the old one are always the best.

So, going back to does it make me boring if I am opting for the quieter life – or does it actually make me much more content? I think the secret to life and happiness is simple, and it’s humans that have over complicated it along the way.

2 comments:

  1. i truly admire the way you write. i just started up my blog. its a little sloppy but i'm a writer and when i have time ill put some poems and storys up.
    you should take a look!
    :)

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  2. Thank you Emilia, that is really kind of you to say ☺ I am off to check out your blog now!! ☺

    ReplyDelete