Thursday, 10 September 2009

Diamonds aren't actually a girl's best friend.....

Last night was lovely. Pizza, gossip and presents - I personally couldn't ask for much more. I would ask that the sickness, temperature, feelings of falling over leave me quite soon though if you don't mind. When I have true girly time - it makes me realise how important that is. Since I got ill I went from full on party girl to being quite reclusive and I think that alone was almost harder to deal with than the illness itself.....almost. I felt lost. I didn't know what to do or who to be, as ridiculous as that sounds......without going out and the getting dressed up and the being scene to be seen mentality I felt this fear.......but also a calm like no other. The pressure was off! Pressure? I didn't even know I was under any pressure. But suddenly I realised that I could just get dressed up for me, I didn't have to worry about juggling my finances, to get it together enough to hold out for 8 hours of the working day. There was always someone around to go to the next party with, to go to the pub with, to go out dancing with.....and dancing - how I miss you. That was my release. My way of getting out all the 'Grrr'. Anything that had upset or angered me in the week would just flow out of me in time to the rhythm of some indie tune. I thought life was heavenly. I thought I had finally made it back. I had lived in London for a few years - moving from a very small town - it was an eye opener but in the most coolest ridiculous way ever. I became known as the girl that was always up for it. The tea and toast lady (as my flat was pretty much an open house after a club night where I would make everyone tea and cheese on toast), I thought that this was as good as it got. Then I moved away (there is so much more to say on this but for now this is as far as that sentance goes). I moved back.....found my feet (or so I thought), then BAM, I got ill. I grumbled and ranted about how unfair things were. Now I think my body hinted at me that things weren't right. That life wasn't right. That it was getting vacuous and empty but so full of all the wrong things at the same time. I obviously chose to ignore this voice, any signs and carried on running around at a pace that plain scares me now. So, my body took control and shut me down..........(again I will meander down this path with those that want to join me in another post) There were 'friends' that disappeared. Friends that were never really close enough to fully explain what was going on so we drifted apart. Friends that are there on the outskirts living a life around mine that maybe I can interject here and there. I hope so. There were some that just wanted to know when I was better. Obviously the 'charming people' ay. It made me take stock in a way I have never had to do before. It was cathartic. It was horrible. I had never felt so alone or so confused. But I tell you this for nothing, there is nothing like a long term illness that has you bed bound for weeks on end, to show you who your real friends are. It's a shocking lesson as some people you thought were there for you for life - drifted away like rubbish in the wind. Some you knew where solid people and they proved just how amazing they are. Some people you thought didn't think much of you and they'd turn out to be your brick. As I say, one heck of an eye opener. Amazing lessons learnt - not all of them easy, not all them pleasant but every single one of them worthwhile.

My life is a lot quieter now. There is a lot more alone time now, but I have learnt to cope with that and have even found myself enjoying it. I don't go out that much anymore, I spend a lot more time in my local area and at friends houses. I've even been known to spend the odd Saturday night in, oh the horror (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek). My social group is a lot smaller but it's infinitely better than it ever has been.....and to those of you still in my life....I thank you in a way words can't really express.

So last night was spent in the company of two such ladies, they bought me amazing gifts as well - that's like the cherry on top of the best cupcake to me! Two pixar films (it's almost an obsession) and a lovely tshirt dress and some handmade crystal jewellery - amazing!


2 comments:

  1. I know if I say this I might upset you. But I'm going to say it anyway: Growing older sucks. Even in high school for me, every year, there are new friends, new people to meet, new people to try to get close to. It's a vicious cycle. And then your closest friends start to drift away and it's like a competition trying to keep up with them, trying to stay their Number One or Number Two at least, and still trying to befriend others. Every year has been different, and even in the shortest amount of time (i.e. Summer = 2 months), people change. You change. When you don't see each other for a few weeks even, then meet up again, you both realize how different the other is.

    Right now, I can't say any one friend is the truest, or the closest. I still talk to all of them, but I don't feel the same way. I can't just say whatever I want to them, I have to choose my words carefully, and phrase every sentence out in my head first before I speak. There is none of the easiness of being together that there once was in Grade 8, or 9. I know I like them, and they like me, but I can't tell them anything anymore, none of my secrets, and I don't hear theirs.

    I hope that my life in the end will turn out to be like yours (: I hope to find at least one true friend, one friend that will stay stuck by my side for more than just a year.

    Have I said I love your blog? Because I do. Keep writing! :3

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  2. Aw thank you that is really sweet and kind of you! And what you say is very true. Growing older does suck. BUT it also brings with it some lovely freedom and eventually the confidence to not take the changes in friendships so personally. I read a brilliant book called The Friendship Crisis and it analyses womens friendships through different stages of their lives, and they change so much and seem so complicated. It's been hard but I learnt that if a 'friend' drains you rather than makes you when you see them it's no longer a true friendship. People drift together for all sorts of reasons so I guess it's no surprise that not all of those relationships last. It took me a while to learn it was quality over quantity and when I sit feeling miserable and friendless I am just being self pitying because I can count my good friends on two hands - apparently most of us only have two to three really good true friendships.
    Keep smiling as things have a nasty habit of working out for the best :o)

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