Wednesday, 30 September 2009

D day....

.....also known as Hospital appointment day.

I have been ill for almost 4 years now - and that takes a lot out of you - physically and emotionally. It's been a rollercoaster ride I have wanted to get off so many times but I seem to be stuck - going round and round and round. I am hoping this time is going to be different. This time is third time lucky...I hope.

It took 18 months of tests and practically moving into the doctors surgery before it was taken totally seriously that something was wrong. By this point I was so anaemic I wasn't even able to climb more than 3 stairs without having to stop for a was embarrassing. There were other health issues going on that were making it nigh on impossible for me to have a life of any normalcy. I am saving you a lot of gory details here so please bare with me if you feel a bit confused, it really is for your benefit!!

I could feel my body closing down and at this time I was made redundant from my job. I got another job in record speed and tried to focus.

I couldn't get to work on many days and was worried about losing my job. I was spending a lot of money on medical goods. I was often too sick or too weak to be able to go out with my friends, I didn't really know what was wrong to be able to tell them why I couldn't make it. Many took it personally. Which was a shame. It became such a personal struggle.

A few months into my job it was confirmed that I had something called Fibroid tumours (you may wonder why I am sharing such information on a blog, well, I found that there wasn't much information out there and felt very unsupported - the personal side effects were awful and no one was discussing this with me and that is this is more about awareness than me I think, I will post again about the life changing effects this has had on me at another time.)

I had to go for a pre-op' check up and it was here it was noted how anaemic I was. I had been getting heart palpitations and had been told these were probably panic attacks - when they saw the levels of iron in me or not in me to be more accurate, they told me it was my heart struggling to pump blood round me and that I was close to a heart attack...nice!

I went into the operation blindly hoping it would solve at least the medical side of things. I didn't feel prepared and didn't feel like I had been given all the options available to me, but by this point I was desperate. I had the operation - waking up I couldn't believe the operation had already been carried out, much to the amusement of the nurses around me. They also informed me that everyone chatters when coming round from anaesthetic and they said I had either a great imagination or had been somewhere really lovely. Knowing me I was talking about rainbows and sunsets and unicorns!!

A few weeks later I was in recovery at home and felt dreadful. None of the symptoms seemed to have gotten better, if anything, maybe worse. I called the hospital and asked to be checked. It turned out they hadn't removed the tumor as much as they thought. So they said I had to wait 6 months and have the procedure all over again. Oh yippee.

6 months later I have been so ill that work was putting the pressure on me. The hospital gave me 3 months of evil injections where the needle was so big it leaves a mark for months. This put my body into a drug enduced menopause. Did I say how Evil they were!?! It was quite frankly a horrible time. But onwards I went into my second operation. I got given different stuff to knock me out and I think it had a bad effect on me. I woke up panicked and tearful and had blood blisters all over me where the monitors had been....apparently they knocked me out with morphine when I came round as I was stressed. They had accidentally cut me and I had started to hemorrhage but I had been stitched up and the rest of the operation had gone well but they would need to keep me in over night. Honestly I looked like I had been target practice for someone. They wanted D to leave but I insisted on seeing him and a lovely nurse snuck him into my ward for a few hours. During the night they had to wake me every hour to make sure my vitals were still ok - there was a panic at one point as they had all dropped but here I am so you know it ended ok. I was so bored and I thank that lady next to me for having the loudest wind ever - I was like a child in hysterics but going ow ow as I laughed. I didn't realise that was a side effect of the gas for some people - it gives them gas oh how we laughed.....much to the night nurses amusement.

I decided to leave my job and concentrate on getting well. It took months. I found a new job and wanted a fresh start. I got that and it lasted for 5 months until things started to go wrong again. I went back to the hospital - they didn't want to know - they asked me why I was there. They did a scan and oh I was right things weren't right but they were not sure what to do and would I come back. After 3 failed attempts at them getting the appointment right I gave up on them and was referred to a great new hospital. They carried out more tests and told me I had 6 months before I was totally bed ridden again and that sorry but a third operation was most definitely needed. The consultant told me that he was so sorry for all I had been through and what was still to come. He was so human. Even if it's not third time lucky this time I feel like they will have given it their best shot. In a few hours I am going to meet the surgeon to find out what they are going to do and if they think they can give me any form of life back.

I am nervous. I am scared. But most importantly...I am hopeful.


  1. hey...u will make it past anything just have hope...we are all strong inside...we are all capable of miracles...good luck!

  2. oh and my blog is new so thank u for commenting back on the other posu made:D

  3. It is true and thank you!
    Your blog is good ☺