Friday, 26 July 2013

I don't do poems but......

I want a cabin in the woods
And a house in the trees
I want to run around laughing
Fall down; get dirty knees
I want to feel the sun
Bringing life to my skin
I want to run on the beach
Find the ocean, jump straight in
I want to have time on my hands
To write, to sing, to just be
I want to embrace everything
Just to be happy to be me
I won’t care for fashion
Or silly little things
I will care about the world
And all the joy that brings
I will live with a light step
Care for all that I can
I just want to be happy
That is my only plan
To be as free
As free can be
To find magic and wonder
In every little thing I see

Thursday, 4 July 2013

My wish list!

I want to live in a cabin with a little tree house to escape to and an old vintage caravan as a writing room.
I want a little garden – permanently set up for a tea party.
I want a baby lamb that stays as a baby lamb to skip about to its hearts content.
I want to spend the day taking photos of the ocean and writing.
Free time would be spent making things and taking walks in the wood and at night I would walk along the beach.
I’d drink sparkling rose wine from teacups.
I’d probably have a little wind chime of shells in my hair.
I’d wake up every day thankful and feeling alive.
My walls wouldn’t have wallpaper on them – they would be covered in books.
The furniture would be rustic and the chairs would all be slightly over sized so you feel like a child again when your feet didn’t touch the floor.
I’d tie balloons filled with water and baking soda (a renewable source version of helium) and tie them to the top of the treehouse so I can pretend I am in the movie UP!
I’d walk barefoot as much as possible.
I’d have a tepee in the garden, filled with cushions, a camp fire base outside with marshmallows and sticks at the ready. A blanket would be pinned down on the floor so you could star gaze to your hearts content.
My loved ones would live very near and visit often.
The rest of the world could stay on the doorstep.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

If I had my own world....

Something pretty damn terrible happened in London yesterday.

A soldier was macheted in the street by two very deluded people. His body was dragged into the road and the attackers asked people to take pictures of them.

They are deluded scumfucks for want of a better word. It is a horrible thing that has happened.

What really saddened me was some of the awful racist comments that were floating around the internet afterwards.

This was not about skin colour, religion, ethnicity. This was not about honour.

Words can start a war, so be careful what you say and what you hear.

I wanted to write a massive piece about this but anyone with half a brain should already know all there is to say, and I think Mr Tom Delonge summed up my thoughts rather well.....

“If I had my own world I'd fill it with wealth and desire, a glorious past to admire and voices of kids out walking dogs, birds, planes, cleanest cars.
If I had my own world I'd love it for all that's inside it there'd be no more wars, death or riots there'd be no more police, packed-parking lots, guns, bombs sounding off.
If I had my own world I'd build you an empire from here to the far lands to spread love like violence.”

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

A short story about a bully

I see you. I hear you. I know you….I just don’t need you – and you don’t like that.
I can feel it. I can sense it. I know it….I just don’t care – and you can’t deal with that can you.
You are nothing more than a bully. Insecure. Selfish. Mean. Your meaness is something so ugly that nothing nice you do can make up for it.
You can fool people for so long, but you never did fool me.
One by one, slowly but surely – people start to see your true colours.
Whereas so many of us glisten like rainbows, or radiate like birds feathers, you are like a cold foggy afternoon – hanging around, unwanted….a let down.
This is your fault. You don’t have to be this way. For some reason you are threatened by ‘nice’, ‘kind’, ‘lovely’ – probably something you’ve always wished to be. Because you aren’t it – or you feel you aren’t it (more to the point) you despise anyone that is.
You dig your claws in for no reason, other than you wish you were it….but you could be, if you had just been bothered to stop and try.
Instead you slowly sour. Your colour drained. Like a beautiful snow fall that turns to dirty polluted slush.
You could change, people give second chances, whether they are deserved or not, but alas I don’t feel you will change….and that my friend, is what makes you fail.
No one is perfect but it’s what we do about things that makes us a failure or not, but doing nothing or letting the darkness creep into your very core is where you fail.
I let you get to me. Others have let you get to them. Even your closest widen their eyes at things that leave your mouth.
It’s not kindergarten anymore. It’s not a role play, it’s not a trial run – this is it – this is your life – do you really want this to be your legacy?

Thursday, 4 April 2013

I've always been afraid of the sound of my own tears


So…apparently you need to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back up again.

The thing is I’ve always been afraid to do that – afraid I will stretch the elastic that is the fabrics of my life and there won’t be the bounce left to pull me back up again.

So I’ve always stopped myself from hitting the bottom, I’ve sure flirted with it in my lifetime but I’ve never actually met it. I’ve seen people who have. Not all of them have ended with a ‘happily ever after.’ Now this would get many people saying that there is no such thing as a ‘happily ever after’ or a ‘happy ending.’ To me that is just a depressing way to think – you have to have a little magic and a little make believe in your life.

‘Every day I tell myself a little harmless lie, the whole wide world is mine.’ – Blink182

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Throw into the mix the upbringing of a traditional English family and you get that stiff upper lip thing about not admitting that things are sometimes just not ok. It’s seen as a flaw, but to me it seems more of a character flaw to not admit that sometimes things are not ok. We are not super human. We learn by our mistakes, we learn and grow from the bad times, we only know our own strength by the forces that knock us down. If life was ‘just peachy’ all the time – you wouldn’t be overly happy because that feeling would become the norm’. So, in a nutshell, not being ok all of the time is a good thing.

But what about when you find it’s not just some of the time? What about when you suddenly realise you can’t remember the last time you felt ‘great’? Or the last time you woke up feeling refreshed? What about when you realise that your thoughts are darker than any cave you’ve been in, darker than any highway at night or blacker than any night sky you’ve seen?

What about when you realise that despite all that you have learnt about yourself, you just don’t know what to do with the information that you have? My doctor told me that she has never known someone counsel themselves as well as I have and that when I find out what to do with all that I have learnt I am going to be a force of nature.

I like the thought of being a force of nature.

I think I just need to have someone show me the right path to choose to get there because it feels as though my shoe laces are tied and every turn I take I just end up tripping myself up.

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I am not used to this. By nature I’ve always been the girl that will say it’s all ok and only take her mask off when alone in her room. I will fake it until I feel it for real. I always wake up full of excitement for the day ahead, each day a new challenge, a fresh start, full of possibility. I am the girl that is almost annoying in her quest to find the positive in something. A fixer upper. It’s new to me to not have that bounce in my step, not to have that happy flair running through me all day. I am not used to not knowing what to do.

The scary thing is – this is not something that happened over night. I realise now that it’s been the last 4 years, things have slowly been chipping away at me until I feel so raw that everything near me hurts.

So why am I writing this? Why am I showing you all my rawness? Well, it is cathartic for one. Should I post it? Who knows. The thing is – I am so tired of pretending things are ok. So bored of everyone do that. I think it’s time we were all a bit more honest with ourselves and each other. It’s ok to be down sometimes. It’s ok to need help. I am supposed to be an adult but the truth is I still lose my way – I still have no idea what I am doing from one minute to the next. And that’s ok.

What’s not ok is that I have a fear of hitting the bottom but I have decided to let myself do that. Does that sound too controlled? Well it’s not. I feel I have no choice. For once I am free falling with no idea how to stop it. No idea how to put the brakes on. All I can do is brace myself for the inevitable impact and hope I take out as few things as possible. I want my landing to be gentle. I have my fears it won’t be. But I am hoping by being honest with myself and anyone who cares to read this that maybe I can lessen the impact of my fall. I won’t break; I will just bruise a little.

RLF - Social Phobia

So what has happened in the last 4 years or so to trigger this downward spiral?

Many good things – believe me – many good things have happened. But the bad things are the ones that have obviously tripped me up.

I’ve had two people really close to me go through really bad depressions. That’s affected me and I’ve tried to help and I want to praise them both for how well they are doing.
My Granddad recently died. I miss him. What he went through towards the end sucked. This affected me.
My Father has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and his cancer is back – you better believe this has affected me.
I have been long term sick, ill for over 6 years – but I am getting there. I’ve documented before the tip of the iceberg of what I have been going through – you are right – this has affected me too –more than I realised. I am still trying to get my anaemia and energy levels sorted. I am exhausted all the time. I still have some tumours that are draining me of nutrients and cause discomfort. They mess with your hormones, so yes, like it or not these are affecting me.
A few months ago I was the victim of an assault. I am waiting for physio for torn tissues in my shoulder and neck, I am on medication for the head pains and there is the consciousness of the head injury – thankfully my hair is growing back, most don’t notice it but I do.
So yeah – there has been a lot to deal with in the last few years.
I don’t expect sympathy or anything for any of the above as it is called life, shit happens, just like things sparkle sometimes too.

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So please don’t think it’s all been bad. I’ve seen a close friend get married to her perfect person, I’ve embarked on a counselling course, I’ve passed a writing course, I’ve written my first novel, I’ve won a competition for some writing that I did, I have had many wonderful moments with friends and loved ones, and I am alive, there are so many things to be grateful for. And I am.

The thing is I know that the road is getting darker – the light at the end of the tunnel is looking very dim right now and that is something I wanted to explore.

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Tell me how you get yourself out of that moment? Tell me your tales of hitting the bottom and getting back up again. I am also reaching out to people to let them know we all struggle – no one is immune. I will update this as well as I am determined to get better and get to my happy old self again.

One thing that I know I have really struggled with is friends and doubting myself too much. At the height of my illness I quit a job to focus on getting better. I thought I was firmly on the road to recovery, got out all the job papers, went to an interview, got the job and thought the rest would be history.

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Wrong.

I have a lovely group of friends that I am so grateful for – they are a wonderful mix of characters and they have really been there for me and I thank them a million times over for being them. I had another group of friends that I really thought would be friends for life. I got ill. I didn’t know what was wrong. At one point I was told by a doctor to prepare myself as they thought I had cancer. It was just before Christmas. I told one friend and kept it to myself. Thankfully it turned out not to be cancerous tumours. Phew. But I was still ill, too ill to leave the house on many occasions. I had an iron reading lower than a nurse had ever seen for someone still walking. But believe me I couldn’t do that easily. I had to rest after every 3 steps climbed. And my friends were asking me why I wasn’t going out clubbing? Why I wasn’t going to their events? I had no answer at the time other than I was exhausted, I was ill but I didn’t know what was going on. I felt that some people didn’t believe me and thought I was making excuses. I had an operation. I fucked it on the operating table but obviously came back round. I came out of hospital. My boyfriend was there for me. My family was there for me….some friends were there for me….but not all. I took it personally. I felt so let down.

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I felt like I had been a really bad judge of character. I felt like I was a bad person for friends to abandon me in my neediest moment. It made me wary of my judgement of people. I found I was thinking I must be a bad person and how no one could like me. I never really admitted these feelings out loud, maybe if I had done so then many things could’ve been solved. Maybe I sound silly for saying all this but this is how it was. Sadly I’ve let it eat away at me. I am constantly worried of having nothing to say, of not being good enough, of being a bad person, even when I know I am not, I am scared of letting people get close. I’ve only just realised how bad that has become. I see pictures of my old friends out together and they look happy and I love them. But they hurt me. That’s the honest truth. And I stupidly let that get to me.

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I quit the job I was in to focus on getting better. I found a job near to home, it was a lovely place and I thought I was finally getting back to being me. But the thing I didn’t take into account was that I was in an office on my own. So 5 years into this job I feel like I don’t really know my colleagues. This is new to me and it bothers me as I’ve always made friends in every job I’ve been in. I bounce off people so putting me on my own means I shut down. You miss the day to day banter and I’m quite a sensitive person (you may have noticed) so it means I used to miss out on all the invites to going out – so yeah I took it personally.

everything will be ok

I kicked myself up the bum and decided to stop being stupid and to make sure I found out about things and went, not wait to be asked but do the asking. So I went out a few times with work and had a nice time. The attack happened. It left me with serious concussion and head pain, vision problems and a huge patch of hair was missing (thank god for my mom passing on the genetics to have huge hair). Over drinks at work we were all having an innocent joke when one person turned to me and said something really low. On the outside I laughed. Inside I was stunned. What a low blow. I spoke to a few people about it and they were floored, thought it was disgusting, nasty and way below the belt and that I would be best to steer clear of such people.

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But how do I tackle this social phobia that has gripped me? How do I just accept that my ‘old friends’ and I were obviously just not meant to be, that we are all destined for other things, it’s nothing personal, why do I have to take it personally? Why do I not accept my current friends’ judgements of me as being a lovely, interesting, funny person? Why do I constantly have to fill my head with negative thoughts about myself and no doubt I am projecting my fears on to people. How do I just forget this person at work and not let their behaviour bother me? Do you ever stop doubting yourself? It’s so easy when you feel so low to just hide and not go out and just appear aloof but that’s not me and I don’t want it to be the person I become. How do you stop beating yourself up? How do you move on….wards and upwards when you feel like you are cornered by your phobias at every turn? I don’t want antidepressants – a counsellor won’t tell me anything I don’t already know – I know the causes – I just don’t know how to put them right.

If I find the answers I will share them with you all – because apparently Social Phobia is the third largest mental health issue in the world today.

social phobia and the media

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

That little thing called lust/from a to b and back again

I haven’t felt that in a while.
That little flutter – that building up of something that you’re not sure whether it’s going to make you pop or fizz, either way it feels like you are going to explode into a million tiny little bubbles and just bob along on the fringes of reality.
It’s a lovely feeling.
It starts of making you feel a little sick and then folds over like a breaking wave into something lovely.
Your eyes mist over, the world becomes shrouded in a pink veil.
Life feels good.
Everything is bouncing – just like your heart.
A crescendo builds up – you are sure everyone else can hear the singing – the cymbals crashing – the harp – your heart strings – it feels so loud.
But it’s only you and your little world – no one else can tell.
Unless they look into your eyes.
Once they’ve looked into your eyes it is game over.
They’ll know.
The whole world will know.
If they just take the time to look into your eyes and notice that something has changed.
Why did you come into my life at that point and in that way?
Why has my mind and my heart been handed to you so easily.
You don’t even know it yet but you could destroy me.
Please don’t.
Let the birds sing – let the crescendo build.
Let’s see if our waves break together.
I’ll race you to the shore.

Monday, 4 February 2013

Dream a little dream.......


If this is true what sort of places have you created?
I would've created the most amazing looking place, where animals were safe and there would be an obscene amount of unicorns.